Yama and Niyama Blog

Sankalpa Shakti Rules!

2012-02-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

I finally had a good test!

Financial matters here at home are a source for big emotions! We approach and see things very differently. Without going into the details, which would be totally biased by MY perspective, we had sufficient cause for a kerfuffel this morning.

WE KERFUFFELED ABOUT OUR MOST EMOTIONAL TOPIC AND I DID NOT SPEAK ANYTHING UNTRUE OR NEGATIVE! It is possible!!! That was so cool. There really wasn't any arguing, just truthful discussion. I even spoke about the samskaras (past events) that were fuelling my current response and I did so calmly and truthfully. All the while it was going on, I stayed really conscious about the process. My heart rate did not rise!

The whole process was so beautiful I feel absolutely light and alive!

Sankapa Shakti - Day 22

2012-01-31T18:32:00.001-08:00

OK, so here is a simple example of the current practice.

Kuma, our dog, likes to bark. He was on the back porch yesterday during the day while classes were going on. He barked and barked and barked when people arrived for class and barked and barked and barked at the things that make him bark during class. A thought crossed my mind "When Duane comes home, I'm going to tell him that Kuma was a bad puppy all day."

Had the thought been voiced, I would have been both negative and untruthful.

The truth was that Kuma made sounds (barking). My aversion to "improper decorum" when guests are under my care prompted a negative response in my mind; I got irritated with Kuma. He wasn't "bad". I was irritated, so I projected that on to him.

Fortunately, I noticed this the moment the thought arose and I was able to trace it back to the causal factors in my mind. I rearranged my mind to view the situation truthfully and then I wasn't irritated anymore and I didn't even mention it to Duane.

Simple, relatively meaningless example, but this is the process of retraining my mind.

Sankalpa Shakti - Day 18

2012-01-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

I'm transforming my mind.

I just realized this last night. I know, I'm a little slow, but that is what this entire practice is about, and I couldn't be more thrilled! Many, many, many texts of yoga speak to the need for this. Until I began this practice a few years ago, those references were just academic. Now, I know HOW to transform my mind and its habits and patterns.

Case in point, I still have to stop myself rather often from speaking negatively. Not hugely negative, just sarcastic comments and the like. In semi-polite company it becomes normal to speak thus, not that that is an excuse. The other day, as I was observing my mind, I realized that there are still a lot of impulses that need retraining.

These impulses are the kleshas and primitive urges working and I know that I am just taming them rather than eliminating them, but that will come one day too.

Sankalpa Shakti - Day 12

2012-01-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I'll be able to put this into meaningful words, but I had an amazing breakthrough in the bathtub this morning. It needs a little background though ...

1. I have just started a formal yoga nidra practice. Nidra means "sleep". Yoga nidra is a practice whereby one begins to gain control over the states of consciousness and thereby "consciously" move from waking (conscious) through dreaming (subconscious) to the sleep state (unconscious) with COMPLETE awareness. It is awesome and powerful and I'm making baby steps forward but spending a lot of time observing my various consciousness states, especially the subconscious.

2. As a result of these observations, I begin to wonder "What are the purposes of each state? How can I use each one for my spiritual development?"

3. We were studying some teachings by Swami Veda this week in the philosophy class where he said the mind-field (encompasing ALL of the states of consciousness) is made up of 3 Divine attributes:
1. Satyam = Truth
2. Shivam = Goodness
3. Sundaram = Beauty
These are the natural impulses and urges of the mind; to engage in truth, goodness, and beauty! We suffer when we resist these natural/Divine urges! We are born to live in a state of Saumanasyam, Beautiful Mindedness!

4. Yesterday, Duane and I were talking at the kitchen table and, as he fell into a particular pattern of speaking (the details of which don't really matter), I felt irritation arising in my mind. I didn't speak anything negative, but I came not quite to a boil inside but a darn good simmer! As I reflected on this later in the day, I started to wonder "Why? What is the mechanism whereby I grow irritated at these little nothings?"

In the bathtub this morning it all came together in a flash with perfect clarity. And it is so interconnected to everything I've been working on that I don't know if I can put it into words. But ...

Samskaras (the records of our mental verbal and physical actions, negative or positive or neutral) are the food of the Kleshas. Negative samskaras feed and strengthen the kleshas. When I have a negative reaction to something Duane says, the attachments and/or aversions and/or ego (etc) gets stronger so that the next time the scenario plays out, it takes very little to stimulate the negative response in me. Conversely, a positive samskara starves the kleshas. This whole process is also called karma. This whole process plays out in the subconscious mind! This is one of the major purposes of the subconscious !!!! The conscious mind is a prime source of input into the subconscious mind (my ears receive the sound impulses, they go to the subsconscious as samskaras and the drama begins). The unconscious mind is free of all of this drama!!!!! It is pure and free!!! It is a step closer to the fourth state of consciousness (turia) or superconsciousness.

The subconscious and unconscious aspects of myself have all of the sudden become VERY important to me because this discipline of practicing the yamas and niyamas has now become the key for me to take control of my karma!

Sankalpa Shakti, Day 9

2012-01-18T08:50:00.000-08:00

My cool new juicer arrived two days ago and it is changing my mind already!!!

The five yamas are meant to be restraints; i.e. I DON'T do something. The niyamas are sort of the opposite; I DO something. The difference is quite strong. And yet there is interesting overlap and I'm finding I can use both, to a degree, whether I'm working on a yama or niyama.

Shoucha (purity). My commitment was stated as "I will not ingest anything impure." That is a negative statement and in effect turning the niyama into a yama. There is a quality of restraint in the practice to be sure. But as I began drinking my freshly made, pure juice blends, I made the mental shift from "not ingesting anything impure" to "ingesting purity". Profound and empowering mental difference. It feels like power (shakti) on a base of discipline.

This is also in turn affecting my thinking on the Ahimsa and Satya commitments, especially Ahimsa. There is a big difference between not speaking anything negative and speaking positive. It is especially noticable with something such as sarcasm. After I join in a communal conversation with a contribution of humorous sarcasm, I feel a bit dirty and think, "Why couldn't I say something positive instead?". Well ... I can! I am going to bring an element of niyama into my yama practice of Ahimsa. I'm going to utilize the power of positivity to restrain the negativity.

This is certainly consistent with the suggested approach for dealing with the kleshas; when seeking to eliminate something (negativity, impurity, etc.), begin by cultivating its opposite (positivity, purity, etc). (Yoga sutra II:33)

Who knew juicing could be so powerful.

Sankalpa Shakti, Day 7

2012-01-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

I put the practice to its first test yesterday.

My spouse and I have differing approaches to projects: I like to get things done - he likes to surf the internet. I had been asking for a couple of projects to get done during this time of year that he is not working and nothing seems to get done. This has become a DEEP samskara in me since it has been going on for some time and, as such, it can generate a strong emotional response in me from relatively minor situations.

Instead of getting angry yesterday, I suggested that we work together on one of the projects he had said he would do and I kept pushing to make sure that we actually did it. We did. I stayed positive in my speech the entire time. I felt great at the end. A good test!!

One thing I experienced very clearly, although it should not be a surprise: my practice and approach yesterday changed ME! I have no idea if or how it affected Duane. This really is an affirmation of what I am working on and what I have control over: me. I fully believe that practices like ahimsa and satya and shoucha will have impact for the world around me, but I can't be concerned with that.

Sankalpa Shakti, Day 5

2012-01-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

I'm loving this!

Last night we had really good friends join us for dinner. Throughout the evening, I was observing, observing, observing my mind and my speech and my impulses. Being "aware" is a lot of cool work!

These friends have great senses of humour, some of which is just good old-fashioned funny, some of which is sarcastic. As I engaged in the conversation, I noticed how sarcasm is based on un-truth; that is where its humour lies. So I didn't fret too much about that, but I also observed how sarcasm is often negative. THAT I watched for in my own speech. I think I made it through properly. In hindsight, I seemed to have an unusually high sense of calm about me. It seems that the absence of the sort of agitation that comes from negative sarcasm was absent in me. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

Dale brought butter-tarts for desert. I SOOO wanted to have one, but there is NO way anyone could call that much processed sugar "pure".

Neat evening!

Sankalpa Shakti, Day 2

2012-01-10T07:51:00.001-08:00

OK, so I know this hasn't gotten hard yet, but while the fun part lasts ... this is awesome!

Yesterday there were several simple little interactions in the day that rubbed me with the caress of irritation. As I watch that energy arise in the mind, I get the chance to either not respond in speech or change my mind to a positive and respond positively.

Two of the people who came to class yesterday I categorize as "talkers". Meaning ... they like to talk ... loudly ... often about complaints, but not necessarily. Yesterday they were BOTH talking, loudly, simultaneously, negatively, seeking at least my visual attention from opposite sides of the room. I had just been in silence for two hours and was preparing for the evening's meditation. The two energies were not complimentary. It took me a while (my mind was shouting "Shut up!"), but I just remained silent and waited for them to slow down. Recalling the awesome teaching of the Gita, I began to see each of them as being influenced by the gunas - rajas for each of them - and they had no awareness (which is the case for most of us) and, as such, no control. When I was able to get class started, we began with a long exhalation breath practice which tames rajas.

Later, during the meditation in the evening, the amount of joy that filled up in me as I responded to the other meditators with purely positive and truthful speech was overwhelming. I like feeling joy. Check that ... I like creating joy ... intentionally!

And, I didn't ingest anything impure. A good day!

Sankalpa Shakti!

2012-01-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

Today begins my five year commitment to three aspects of this practice:

1. I will not speak anything negative. (Ahimsa)
2. I will not speak anything untrue. (Satya)
3. I will not ingest anything impure. (Shoucha)

I'll pick back up with the regular practice too in a bit, but I want to adjust to this new commitment for a few weeks. Again, I am seeking to utilize the power (shakti) of intention (sankalpa), and Swami Rama's fabulous dictum: I must do this. I can do this. I will do this.

Quite honestly, I'm a little scared of this. As with any such undertaking, it comes not because I think it will be easy but because I feel that I need these practices in my life at this deepened level of commitment.

On a silly note, I wrote about these commitments in my work newsletter this past weekend. I was a bit sick and not thinking totally clearly and forgot the word "not" in the first commitment so it read: "I will speak anything negative." Oops!

Let the power of (correctly worded) intention begin!

This is the point ...

2011-12-23T13:15:00.001-08:00

I got a little miffed at myself for allowing fear to shake my confidence in moving forward. Miffed because this is exactly why ALL of the modern practitioners of yoga (or at least what yoga has been reduced to) have the position that the yamas and niyamas are not appropriate for the modern world. They are said to be too much.

Patanjali, on the other hand, says of the yamas that they are "the great universal vows, to be practiced at all levels of yoga, not delimited by any conditionality as to species, locus, time, or situation."

Patanjali was rather clear on this topic.

The Razor's Edge

2011-12-22T13:19:00.000-08:00

As I prepare for re-engaging with the practice and adding the long term commitments of no negative speech, no untrue speech, and no ingestion of impurities, I have been observing these tendencies on these days before the commitment. There is a bit of fear as I look at the commitment. Do I really want to give up all negativity (etc)? Can I do it?

If I aspire to the life of a renunciate, this is necessary ... no question. The question is, do I have the capacity?

When the commentators on texts such as the Bhagavad Gita speak about the path of renunciation, they speak of the razor's edge; it is a very hard path and not for everyone.

I guess I'm finding that I'm a bit afraid of the razor.

Break Time

2011-12-14T04:50:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break before moving on to the next topic: brahmacharya. It is the Holidays and time for some relaxing. Although, interestingly, I have been finding that I am dreaming about this practice from time to time and contemplating it in my waking state. This feels like a good thing.

Something seems to happen to me when I take the bus from the ferry to downtown Vancouver; I sometimes fall into samadhi - a really low level samadhi - but samadhi nonetheless, the fourth state of consciousness. On the heels of that, interesting insights occur. After this last busride, I started recalling one of my students and how ultra negative she was in our last session. That led to recalling that, even when she is "positive", she has a tone of negativity that hangs over her head. Thoughts of her led to thoughts of other students who are in the same pattern of living. This then led me to be aware of how much negativity remains within me and how horribly harmful that is to me and to everything around me.

This last set of thoughts led to a totally clear message from buddhi (the intuitive aspect of the mindfield): STOP "PRACTICING". MAKE A COMMITMENT! MAKE IT PERMANENT! So, when I start back up in January, I would like to make a 5 year commitment (with options to renew) to:

1. Refraining from speaking anything negative.
2. Refraining from speaking anything untrue.
3. Maintaining purity of body.

While these are just gross level practices of ahimsa, satya, and shoucha, I have found that the gross level is best way to train the subtle levels of the mindfield. This feels like a really good thing!

Shoucha (Purity) - Day Fifteen, Take Two

2011-11-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

I had a cool insight into the fourth sutra which teaches us, rather matter-of-factly, what our minds are like when we are not in samadhi. "Elsewhere (when not in Samadhi), the seer identifies with the form and nature of the mind-field’s fluctuations."

I have understood this intellectually, but never really "gotten" it. But this morning, I was contemplating this shoucha practice and recalling which kleshas were active during that weekend in Vancouver with friends. I was recalling the interplay between raga (attraction/attachment) and dvesha (aversion) and abhiniveshah (fear). They appeared to be acting in consort for me. I was attracted to the possibility of socializing with our new friends and enjoying the wine that was being poured, but there was also an element of aversion to NOT engaging and an element of fear. The aversion and the fear were more subtle and really only identifiable in retrospective contemplation, but now it seems clear that each element was playing a role in my mind-field.

Today's cool insight was that in my reaction to these kleshas being active in my mind, I played exactly into the hands of the fourth sutra. EXACTLY!!!

Oh Samadhi! Come soon!!!

Shoucha (Purity) Day Fourteen, Take Two

2011-11-29T14:08:00.000-08:00

Habit patterns benefit from momentum. Whether the habit pattern is positive or negative, it is through repetition that the grooves are dug into the mind-field and it transforms into a habit.

What I have been observing is that purity encourages purity and impurity encourages impurity. So here's to continuing to develop pure habits; let the momentum continue!

Shoucha (Purity) - Day Two, Take Two

2011-11-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I have come to appreciate the positive qualities of ahamkara (ego) and tamas (inertia).

My drive to do this practice (and all of these practices) comes through ego: "I" must do this. "I" can do this. "I" will do this. As long as I continue to perceive that I am distinct from universal consciousness (jiva-atman vs. param-atman), the ego will play a significant role in generating the necessary drive for me to push forward. Therefore, it is only when I reach full samadhi that ego will cease to be needed. Cool; finally a use for ego.

Tamas also generally gets a bad reputation, and perhaps deservedly so. It is the guna that is responsible for sloth, laziness, stupidity, blah, blah, blah. On the other hand, it is also responsible for steadiness, resolve, grounding. These latter qualities are what gives me the occasional sense of "I will not be shaken from this practice." Perhaps I need to cultivate tamas for a while?

So today's insight is that sankalpa shakti is successful because of ahamkara and tamas. Who knew?

I must do this. I can do this. I will do this.

Shoucha - Day One, Take Two

2011-11-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

This was fascinating! I was just getting to the point where I saw that the practice of purity was leading to the (proper) desire for more purity - purity begets purity - when we went off to Vancouver for the weekend to spend time with some new, lovely friends. First night and we are out for dinner in Kitsilano, arriving at the restaurant a little before our friends and were seated at the bar to wait. I ordered a non-alcoholic beer and found that they had none. I ordered water and pondered. "Should I have a glass of wine at dinner or not? ... hmmm"

When our friends arrived and we were seated, they took on the role of fabulously gracious hosts and ordered a really nice bottle of wine (actually, two to be precise) and I graciously accepted. The interesting part came in observing myself throughout the evening and weekend relative to this practice. I had failed at the practice and (willingly, knowingly) ingested the impurity of a mood altering substance. And yet we were making new friends, developing a wonderful connection in the midst of it all. What was wrong? what was right? Fascinating!

Now that I'm back home and grounded in my practice once again, I have had time to recognize that my life here at home with the studio and my heavy load of practices places me in a ashram-like setting. On the weekend, I stepped back into "the world" and lived in it as I had done so in the past. I remembered Swami Rama's words, "Live in the world, but be above it."

Back to purity ...

Soucha - Day 3, Take 1

2011-11-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

To truly engage in samkalpa shakti is powerful. It feels like a "don't mess with me" sort of power. There is a deep sense of sattvic peacefulness about it, but there is also an excellent experience of tamas as in "nothing is going to move me from this intention". Cool! I have never experienced tamas as a positive force before.

This probably has no connection, but we were invited to two social gatherings this weekend. As I'm preparing my mind for the events, I'm thinking "Nothing impure will enter me. I must do this. I can do this. I will do this." At one event, alcohol was not present; at the other it was present but the host offered me hot organic apple cider instead without any knowledge of my intention. At both gatherings the food was organic, local, vegetarian ... and delicious.

I feel great; moving forward into purity!

Soucha - Day One - Take One

2011-11-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm putting the niyamas and specifically soucha (showcha) to the test. I have some medical tests coming up which may well "diagnose" me with high blood pressure once again. Major family history of it and I had been previously diagnosed way back before my cancer journey. Following the first diagnosis, I was able to get myself off medication by eliminating alcohol from my life and becoming an athlete. So, as this second diagnosis looms in the near future, I'm thinking "I know what to do." Plus, this time I have all of the physical tools of yoga as well.

I have half heartedly tried to eliminate alcohol from my new life with Duane a couple times over the past couple years, but it seems to play such a role in our social life, that I only hold out for a little while and then a bottle of wine comes home and ....

Unlike the restraints of the yamas, the niyamas are intended to propel one forward toward something. In this case, I am seeking to propel myself toward a level of purity that is not possible with even social levels of alcohol present in my life. It is a level of purity that I have been longing for for a while now, but with one foot in the western social world and one foot in on the path of sadhana, there has been a bit of pushing and pulling inside me. So the alcohol is being eliminated, but as a consequence of my pursuit of purity; aka soucha.

Swami Rama had a most helpful phrase to use when one is engaging in a challenging task. It focuses the intention (sankalpa) into a force (shakti, so one is no longer simply wishing for something positive to happen, one has the power of salkalpa shakti to engage in the neccessary actions. The phrase is:

I must do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.

So for these next 21 days (and beyond), whenever the mental pattern within me is trying to justify the consumption of impure food or drink or language, my response will be "I MUST DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS." and I have perfect clarity on what "this" is.

The Sutras and even the Gita teach that all of the mental patterns of attachment which direct our behaviours are mental addictions; they even go to the point of saying that attachment=addiction. So while I feel no need to label myself with "Hi, I'm Tim and I'm an ...", this is the work of changing patterns in the mind.

I like this practicality of this exercise.

Asteya Break ... Soucha Start

2011-11-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

I have a need to switch to a Soucha practice for a while but, before I do, I had a cool insight into the illusive state of nondesire ...

The only time during the day that my mind is free from desire is during pranayama. It comes close during meditation, but if the mind wanders, it generally wanders in pursuit of some desire. In pranayama, the effort is active enough that my mind does not wander from the breath. Cool! I don't know what to practically do with the insight, but very cool nonetheless!

There are some health concerns that one of my doctors is looking into, hence the switch to Soucha - Purity. 21 consecutive days without saying anything impure (damn it) AND without introducing anything impure into my body (no beer on pizza night).

Asteya- Day 1:3

2011-10-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

Third attempt ...

We went to the city this weekend to get a few things for the studio. Interesting to go shopping when I am seeking to not buy anything I "want" versus "need". One could easily argue that anything I buy other than basic food is coming from some seed of desire and, as such, is a "want" not a "need". I bought the light fixtures anyway. But then driving back we stopped by a camping store that I like, just to look around. I was amazed at how massively strong the the connection was between the internal mental state of desire and external objects. I didn't steal anything, I didn't even say that I wanted anything, but the seeds of desire were percolating rather robustly.

Later, after all of this excellent observation, Duane was going to the store to get something or other for supper and I said "bring home a bottle of wine, ok?". As I thought about it while he was off collecting the object of my desire, I realized that sending him off to do my buying was just as bad as purchasing it myself. Start over.

This one is wonderfully hard.

Asteya- Day 1:2

2011-10-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of my long days so I was a little tired after the philosophy class. Not exhausted, just sort of the letting go at the end of the day feeling. I walked into the kitchen and was a little hungry and when I looked in the cupboard and didn't see anything I wanted to eat, I said "I want a cookie!". It only took a couple seconds to feel the effects of "WANT". I laughed. Ironically, I don't eat cookies; I love them, but I gave up sugar a while ago, so they're out of my life. What remains in my life, apparently, is a mind filled with desire! At least I didn't dash out to the store and steal a cookie!!

Asteya Day 1:1

2011-10-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

Asteya is Non-Stealing. I generally don't steal. At least not in the conventional sense of the term. Good. That means it is time again to move to the subtle aspects of asteya: desirelessness. Stealing does not occur where desire is not present.

The first round of practice with asteya was a great challenge where I sought to refrain from saying the word "want" for 21 days. So for this round, blending speech and action, I am going I'm going to repeat the first practice and add in the addition of not purchasing anything that I "want" for the next 21 days. Oh, and I'm not going to steal anything either.

Satya - Day 21:7

2011-10-19T07:46:00.001-07:00

This past week has been amazing! Last Thursday, while I was in my weekly silence, I noticed creativity appearing as a vrtti in my mind. It was lovely, but I also wanted to understand it, so I recalled that when rajas is subordinate to sattva, then creativity arises. Here was my first specific experience of how the gunas (rajas, sattva, tamas) give rise to the vrttis or fluctuations of the mind field! I was so excited and had nobody to share the excitement with without sounding like a total nutcase.

During this past week then, my observations continued. There are two students who regularly come to class who, on occasion, drive me freakin' nuts! Strong personalities who don't listen to instructions and are not open to corrections and are just generally difficult. I have wanted to throw one of them out of the studio several times! On Monday, Irritant #1 was in class. The class was packed and there were several people who had never done yoga before. When the Irritating One started vocally disagreeing with my instructions and going on to do poses on her own when I had not instructed the class how to safely begin, my mind went to anger. Bang! I rose up with my body and voice to take back control of the class, but once it settled back down, I started to see the reactive nature of my mind and clearly see that my reactions were to the gunas, namely rajas and tamas, coming out of the Irritating one. The class ended fine and everyone stayed safe, but I didn't like the experience at all. It may be a very subtle aspect of Satyta (Truthfulness) but my mind was not experiencing the "true" reality of things and I felt it.

On Tuesday, Irritant #2 was in class. I knew she was coming and I prepared myself to not be reactive. I structured the class so as to not stimulate any of her triggers as well as requiring postures to be done in a way that gently forced her to do them correctly. It was amazing. I remained sattvic yet dynamic throughout the class, and she seemed to become much more sattvic in response. None of her negative comments were as negative as normal and (even better) none of them had enough force to affect my sattvic state. In that class, I felt much more connected to the "true" reality of things, and I felt it!

I love this stuff!

On to Asteya (Non-Stealing) next ...

Satya - Day 7:7

2011-10-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

I had two really nice experiences with this practice. On Saturday, a neighbour whom I had never met came over to see the new studio and have a visit. She was clearly in a mood to talk ... and talk ... and talk. I observed how my mind wanted, at various points, to judge her story or just to check out from the conversation. The judging impulses probably came via my ego as they had a bit of and air of arrogance. Ego (asmita) is one of the kleshas, and the set of kleshas make up one of the five vrttis which are collectively known as "perverse cognition" (viparyaya). The checking out from the conversation was in the nature of daydreamy sort of thoughts stimulated by a word or a phrase that she said. I'm sure there is an element of kleshas at play with this too, but it felt more like the vrtti known as "imaginary cognition" (vikalpa).

Cool! I watched vrttis arise and fall without it having any further impact on me! It was just an ongoing series of stimulus (her speaking) and response (the activation of vrttis in my mindfield), and for the first time in my life, I was the informed observer of this process!

Then on Sunday, I went down to Razberry's Jazz Cafe for the afternoon jazz. I was sitting at the last table by myself and enjoying the lovely music. A couple asked to join me at the table and before long, they were joined by other friends of theirs while the musicians were on break. I kept getting introduced to the new people but they were having a conversation about their lives and I wasn't really included in the conversation. Not in any rude way. I was smiling and listening, but I remained silent through most of that time. It wasn't until later that I realized that I was present to all of this external stimulus and my mind remained pretty much silent. Stimulus and no response is possible!!!!

Satya - Day 4:7

2011-10-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is a lovely practice and, so far, attainable. I'm finding that it has a very satvic quality. When I force myself to listen to every word another person says before responding, I become naturally calmer. Cool! I'm noticing that my responses are tending to be positively impacted as well as any impulses for smart-ass retorts and/or sarcastic humour is nipped in the butt.

So what does this have to do with truthfulness? At the gross level, it seems that it is making my mind less reactive and when coupled with the intention to live Satya, I seem to be gaining a slight upper hand on the nature of my vrtties. I'm controlling them, they are not controlling me (much).

This is good ...

Satya - Day 1:7

2011-09-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

Summer is behind us. The new studio is up and running. And, my new schedule is designed to allow for full-time Sadhana! Cool! Time to re-engage with the yama/niyama practice.

I've been thinking about this Satya practice over the summer and continuing my observations. Ever meet someone you know and at the start of the conversation you say you're "fine" because you are expecting them to say "how are you" even though they haven't said it? That's a silly example of what I'm going to try and take on. I have noticed patterns of responses that come out of me and patterns of reactions that are based on MY PATTERNS, not on the current situation. That is not truthful; that is not Satya. Satya is certainly WAY more than that, but this will be a really good discipline for me.

For 21 consecutive days, I am not going to allow my speech to react to someones speech until they have finished speaking and I have considered the most appropriate response. I'm anticipating that this will take me on a journey of the Vrttis (fluctuations) of the mindfield, which would be most welcome. And the vrttis are they playground of the kleshas (which are actually defined as negative vrttis) as well as the gunas.

Let the games begin ...

Satya - Day 1:6

2011-07-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

Duane came home the other day and told me he ran into a couple at the grocery store and they effusively asked as to the progress of the yoga studio renovation work I'm doing and then said that they simply must come by and see how it is going. My mind, in proper mindfulness, accessed my samskaras or impressions of the couple - gossips, know-it-alls, manipulators, painfully nice to your face - and based on this instantaneous mental dip into my unconscious, I responded to Duane's comments with a grimace and some disparaging remark.

That was certainly not speaking and acting truthfully.

In these past couple weeks I have been having some tremendous insights into my mental state. Physically, I am engaged in one of the busiest times I have ever known. Sun Up to Sun Down I am working, working, working on the studio construction. Working, working, working, doing, doing, doing. It is Rajas that causes Doing; Rajas that causes Work; Rajas that causes Action. I need Rajas right now. Unfortunately, Rajas will also cause disease, stress, agitation, anger, etc, etc etc.

Engaging in this challenging practice of Satya WILL NOT BE POSSIBLE during this unusual time of rajas dominance.

When I begin my period of sadhana in September, shifting the dominance of the gunas to Sattva will become a priority. That will be interesting to observe the effects.

Satya - Day 5:5

2011-07-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Some really interesting observations these past few days.

Clearly, what is blocking me from experiencing Truth in its highest form are the kleshas; most notably attraction, aversion, and fear. And the unique time of stress for me right now with the construction project and caring for my aging friend Paul is hightening the "triggers" for my kleshas. But in searching for how to understand the kleshas I have come to learn that the kleshas collectively make up one of the vrittis of the mindfield (Sutra I:5). And, whereas THE definition of yoga is controlling and ceasing the vrittis (Sutra I:2), coming to grip with the kleshas is a very very very important aspect of progress in yoga. Cool ... and hard.

I've been observing how my mind is filled with tension, not necessarily affecting my speech or actions, but filling my mind. And I visualize how a yogi would be acting in the exact same situation. It is an awesome visualization. To imaging a time when my mind is SO bloody grounded in the Truth, that my ignorance has been burned away, and nothing can stimulate a response from the spent kleshas that once ruled my mind. This would be peace!

Also interesting to observe is my time with my friend Paul, now 82 and how his mind is filled with worry and fear. We were just driving in the car together in Nanaimo and he sort of whispered "Jesus Christ" (he wasn't praying) as he has done for many years. I asked him what was going on in his mind and he said he was mad at himself for some mistake he had made a number of years ago. It was a beautiful day for a drive and the kleshas ruling his mindfield were torturing him. These observations have been growing stronger and stronger as I delve into my own mindfield. It brings me both sadness that more people are not aware of how unneccessary it is to suffer and it brings me motivation to more seriously apply the teachings of the yoga sutras to start thinning the suffering trends that run my life; hopefully before am 82!

I have needed this stressful time to come to these realizations. I also know that I have a couple more months of this before I can get back to a routine of regular sadhana. I'm starting to see what that time will be for me: a period (many years) of tapas which pushes my capacity, svadhyaya, and isvara pranidhana.

Satya - Day 1:5

2011-07-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

I went to Nanaimo yesterday to pick order the cool heaters for the new studio renovation and was very excited at the start of the day. My call to the heater distributor in Nanaimo put a dent in my excitement as the distributor treated me over the phone like I was a bit of a bother at best. I hate that. When we got there, I was assisted by a very nice young man; the man who spoke with me over the phone was there too but he ignored me except to speak to the young man about my order in front of me without speaking to me. Wierd, I thought, but whatever. I paid cash for the order and left very happy that I had been blessed with the means to get these heaters as a result of the sale of my tools. When my friend Paul and I stopped at the little Mexican restaurant for some lunch, I came to the realization that I had been charged more than the original phone quote from a couple of weeks ago ... a lot more. But the original quote was just verbal and I had no means to argue. So I'm sitting for lunch, trying to experience all people and all things as Divine, and trying to process what it feels like to be screwed by God. Big picture, it is no big deal, of course, but it doesn't feel good to be taken advantage of so I was thinking what would Jesus do? what would Gandhi do? This was taking place inside me as we were being served lunch which was really poor quality. I ate most of the food, thinking "I shouldn't be eating this; it's awful" and was trying to be attentive to Paul who had just gotten his stitches out and was still a bit fragile from a nasty fall a week ago when the server came to clear out plates.

I hadn't spoken or acted out of line with Truth to this point, even though a storm was going on inside of me. But when the server said "How was everything?" I said, "Fine."

Liar!

This little practice, done during a powerfully charged time of emotions and stress, has brought me face to face with the uncontrolled nature of the Kleshas within me. The start of the second chapter of the Sutras clearly says that I will never reach the goal of this Satya practice while the Kleshas are strong!!! The solution to the kleshas begins with Kriya Yoga and Kriya Yoga begins with Tapas, asceticism.

When I read that the other night, I thought "Yes!" Bring this on!! The best implication of my new schedule teaching from home is that it will allow for me to engage in challenging practices. Tapas! The sutras caution that the attenuation of the kleshas will take a long time of dedicated practice, without faultering. OK, I gotta begin somewhere.

Satya - Day 1:4

2011-06-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything that I have specifically done or not done, but I just don't feel "right" this week relative to my efforts to experience Truth, so I'm taking myself back to day one.

I am feeling an unusual amount of stress as I work on renovating the new yoga studio: it is a lot of work, I don't have much money, I don't know how to do many of the specifics of the construction, I have a limited amount of time, I am very very tired every day, etc etc etc, blah blah blah ...

The stress creates an unstable emotional base. An unstable emotional base is a great breeding ground for the kleshas. And while attraction and aversion have been troublesome, it is fear that seems to be the biggest presence these days. Fear can be completely disabling. I know that all of the kleshas come as a result of ignorance and, of course, if I were actually living with full knowledge of the Truth, then fear would be irrelevant. But, in the raw state of my emotional "reality", fear feels much stronger than ignorance.

The only time I feel freedom from the grip of the kleshas these past few days is during meditation and japa. Funny, Sutra II.11 says that "the vrttis arising from the kleshas are to be reduced, eliminated, and eradicated through meditation."

I've got so much work to do!

Satya Day 12:3

2011-06-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was with my teacher a couple weeks ago and there were loads of great lessons. At one point, I was playing Monopoly with the kids (ages 4 and 9) and there was a bit of a kid meltdown with throwing of money and screaming and lots of what Panditji calls "being naughty". I had had it at that point, and told the kids we needed a time-out to rest. My frustration was high, especially with Saksham, the 4 year old boy (was was very naughty)! But as I walked downstairs I remembered the stories of the young Krishna terrorizing his village by stealing butter and generally being very "naughty", I smiled a tired smile and thought "here is God being naughty".

I had the chance to ask Panditji a question about the relationship between the gunas and the kleshas: do the gunas give rise to the kleshas? and, if so, what do I work on to purify myself? He said that of course the gunas give rise to the kleshas and that by contemplating the kleshas, I will come to know the gunas. Cool! I partly had it right but the direction of contemplation is awesome!

I also picked up one of the books from Panditji's library one night before bed and was blown away. My seeking to experience Truth (Satya) as I am in this practice comes from a clue here and a clue there, but this lecture from Swami Rama from 1964 took my breath away. The title is "The Existence of God"; here are the first few sentences:

"Truth is that which is unborn and immortal, and remains unchanged in the past, present, and future. To know it, one needs to purify one's thoughts, speech, and actions. Purification is of utmost importance because only through a purified mind can an aspirant think clearly and contemplate deeply. Once we are sincerely determined to search for the truth and fully committed to self-purification, we are certain to find the way and reach our goal. Truth itself becomes our guide and we find ourselves on the right path.

Truth is that divine force which dwells in every individual's heart. It is the all-pervading, eternal reality joining one individual to another, and linking all existence in one divine awareness. That divine force is called God."

Satya Day 10:3

2011-06-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

This has been amazing. When I'm walking around, I see God. "There is God pretending to be mad!" "There is God pretending to be fat!" "There is God all dressed up and pretending to be insecure!" . "There is God expressed as a child!"

Forcing my eye patterns to not be influenced by the kleshas has been very helpful. Changes at the subtle level are what bring changes at the gross level!

This has also been an unusually stressful period for me as I'm engaged in a remodelling project with a tight deadline and tighter funds. Life stress definitely has a strong impact on the kleshas; indeed, it is likely a fear response in itself.

Satya Day 1:3

2011-06-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have been having tons of insights into this practice the past few days. I love it! It would seem that as long as the kleshas are active within me (which will likely be for a few more lifetimes), I will never experience true union with Truth. I also asked my teacher last week to confirm my experience that it is the gunas which give rise to the kleshas. He said "Of course. Observe the kleshas, come to know them and you will be led to the gunas." My extremely limited experience also then says that only when one moves beyond the gunas, will one experience true union with Truth. Unfortunately, moving beyond the gunas is full-freakin enlightenment.

Yesterday, we were walking along the seawall in Nanaimo and a business associate was approaching. I have never been very comfortable around him; who knows why. The point is that as he was approaching, I averted my eyes as if I did not see him. In that instant I recalled all of the times that my eyes have been averting that which gives rise to aversion and/or fear AND my eyes have stayed on that which gives rise to attraction. The kleshas (after subtly influencing my mind) dictate my eye movements!!!

I am going to hold myself accountable to the movements of my eyes: never resting on that which I love to the exclusion of that which I am averse to and never avoiding that to which I am repelled to the exclusivity of that to which I am attracted.

Satya - Day 1:2

2011-06-02T05:52:00.001-07:00

I'm behind on writing this since I'm visiting my teacher for a few days, but I am thrilled to have gone back to day one.

As I was boarding the 5:30 AM sailing of the small ferry to catch my plane for Calgary, there was just one other foot passenger and when we walked on, she was going to one side of the sitting area on the ferry and so I chose to go to the other side of the ferry. I wasn't too conscious of my action at the moment, but I was clear that I did not want to sit on the same side. As the ferry was sailing, someone walked into the sitting area I was in on his way to the bathroom. I looked up and smiled and he smiled back and I thought "Oh, he should sit on this side, wouldn't that be nice" or something like that but perhaps not with words.

Bang! My actions were exclusive! The Kleshas, The Primitive Urges all playing out in the wee hours of the morning. I experienced the subtle mental influence of Aversion as I boarded the ferry with the woman and my gross actions were strongly affected; I experienced the less subtle mental influence of Attraction with the man who passed by on his way to the bathroom and my gross action was subtly affected with a smile. I got a lovely 15 minute contemplation on how this occurred during the rest of the ferry ride!

These two kleshas were stimulated by the primitive urge of sex! I've done a ton of other work on the mental origin of the sexual response in myself, so I recognized it pretty clearly that morning. But by the end of the ferry ride, I had a bit of a breakthrough:

The kleshas and the primitive urges block me from experiencing the Truth; block me from creating a union between my speech and actions relative to the belief that there is no duality between the Divine and all that the Divine as created (which is everything).

Satya - Day 1:1

2011-05-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have been practicing doing this next practice for a few days now, but haven't had the time to official start the clock, so here goes; I think it's going to be fun!

Satya = Truth = Refraining from Non-Truth

With my first round or speech practice, Truth took on a rather simple meaning as in "don't lie". By now including my actions in the practice, I have been drawn to experience Truth in its higher form. I had inklings of this in the first practice, but I'm glad to have waited a while to take this one on.

Satya, Truth is "that which is real". The highest aim of yoga is to know the Self ... truly know the Self. We peel through the layers of the Koshas, experientially, to get to the Self. The Self (Atman) is not the body (Anamaya Kosha) - believing otherwise is untrue (asatya) and ignorant (avidya) and leads to suffering as this body ages and dies. The Self is not the energy (Pranamaya Kosha) which gives rise to the body and animates it - believing otherwise is ignorance (avidya) and leads to suffering. The Self is not this mind (Manomaya Kosha) and its emotions and memories and fluctuations - believing otherwise is ignorance and leads to suffering. The Self is not my imperfect intellect (Vijnanamaya Kosha)- believing otherwise is ignorance and leads to suffering. The Self is not my state of Bliss (Anandamaya Kosha) as bliss requires the opposite (non-bliss) to exist - believing otherwise is ignorance and leads to suffering.

The Self - my True nature - is beyond all of these impermanent attributes that I have assumed. My Self was never born and will never die. My Self is ever wise, ever pure, ever free. My individual Self (Jiva-Atman) is not and cannot be distinct from the Universal Self (Param-Atman).

All that exists ... let me repeat that ... ALL THAT EXISTS is Param-Atman. My belief that I am distinct from any other human, any other animal, any other living or non-living thing, any other form or non-form is an illusion. There is no duality. I am God. You are God. We are One. This is the ultimate TRUTH!

This practice will be to seek 21 consecutive days of refraining from speaking or acting in any way that is contrary to that Truth! Lying will certainly be contrary to the Truth. But any action that is exclusive in its nature will be contrary.

As I was "warming up" for this practice, I was sitting outside at Harvest Thyme coffee shop in the lovely sun with my knitting when an acquaintance got into his car and was driving by. This person has gotten under my skin in the past and I have developed a bit of an attitude toward him. To me, he is a selfish ass who drips with meaningless new-agey buzzword laced language. He makes my skin crawl when I see him. I guess that is an attitude, eh? Knowing he was driving past and I could have waved and said hello, I kept my head down and pretended to focus on my knitting, pretended to not see him. This was my first experience of an action that is contrary to the Truth. He, in all of his idiosyncrasies, is Divine. I, in all of my idiosyncrasies, am Divine. We are not distinct, and yet in my un-noticable action, I treated him as less than Divine.

This is cool! Let the Truth shine!

Ahimsa - Day 19:5

2011-05-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday had some hard moments. At one point in the morning asana class, I noticed an ant on the floor apparently dead. It was in an area of the studio that I hadn't gone to, so I was confident that I had not caused this specific harm. I picked up the ant to take it to the trash when I noticed that it was still moving; fatally harmed, but still moving. I took it to the trash and put it between a piece of paper and with as much love as I could generate, I crushed the ant to end its suffering. I really didn't like doing that. It felt too powerful.

On another level, all is Brahman, all comes from Brahman, all returns to Brahman. I just ended some suffering.

Then last night, we were driving home and Duane started to take a "short cut" which was an off-road connection back to our neighbourhood; definitely shorter, but not intended to be driven either legally or safely. We were in our "new" car, for which we have gone into a frightening (to me) amount of debt. All of my samskaras and memories of Duane's patterns came ripped open and I was raw with fear and anger and disbelief. I remained speechless even though a chorus of negativity was singing in my mind - memory, fear, anger, memory, fear, anger, etc, etc, etc. I tried to be "not attached" to the car and take the spiritual high road about how everything is perfect ... and all that is true ... but I was pissed ... and I was committed to not causing any fucking harm with my god damned speech!

We got home (silently) and I started making supper in a silent rage, clearly doing the passive aggressive thing, when I tried to say to myself "NO!!!! do not prepare food or eat food while generating these emotions!!!!" I tried to calm my breath, set my spatula down and walked away from the risotto to Duane. I kissed him, which he misinterpreted as friskiness, so I had to push him gently away so I could say "I felt and feel tremendously angry about your driving our car on that short-cut."

Even before I finished speaking - a statement of truth, not of anger - the rage was gone. We spoke calmly for a few sentences about my feelings, and then I went back to making supper where I tried to fill my mind with my mantra to help purify the risotto.

There are more then a couple lessons in these little dramas. The nature of my mind and my samskaras (memories), the power that is required sometimes to end harm that is occurring, and the clearly truth that I (we all) have the capability to act with ahimsa in EVERY situation if we practice to do so.

The rissotto was good.

Ahimsa - Day 18:5

2011-05-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting on this practice, especially after the excellent unknowable questions concerning purchases from China, and have begun to form the opinion that awareness is a limiting factor in one's knowledge of ahimsa. I'm allowing that to be a comfort for me in this specific instance; but, I also don't believe that lack of awareness releases one from the obligation to not cause harm. Thinking back to when the whole concept of a "sweat shop" came into North American mainstream consciousness; clothes that had been happily purchased in the past were no longer happy purchases.

I am also impressed by how ahimsa is really a function of the mindfield. This is no surprise, but rather a strong experiential affirmation of Swami Veda's maxim that nothing happens at the gross level (action, speech) that does not have its origin in the subtle level (prana, mind, intellect). My speech has tremendously improved and my actions are good (to my level of awareness), but harmful and negative thoughts still appear in my mind. To get to THAT level of practice will by my life's work!

Ahimsa - Day 13:5

2011-05-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

I just received a shipment of two products for my Apple computer in the mail today. They were shipped directly from China where they are manufactured. I have no idea whether I caused harm or not!!!!!

I know too many Chinese people to categorically say that EVERYTHING from China causes harm to the workers or the environment or or or ... but plenty of the manufacturing practices in China are very harmful.

I'm on the fence on this one ...

Ahimsa - Day 7:5

2011-04-29T06:26:00.001-07:00

I had a violent dream last night. Don't remember the details but I remember in the dreaming being sad that I had to go back to day one on my ahimsa practice.

Sounds silly, but is was somewhat startling. If, on the other hand, I view the dreamstate as (in part) and expression of unfulfilled desires, then perhaps I was expressing my desire to live a life of ahimsa. Since I don't yet fully understand the state of consciousness known as chitta (subconscious or dream state), I'm going to go with that explanation. Here's to day seven!

Ahimsa - Day 2:5

2011-04-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

I killed a spider yesterday. The killing was actually to end the harm that I had already caused. The harm came earlier. I was cleaning out a bunch of stuff from the shop and a moderately big spider was crawling on a piece of fabric that I'd picked up. In a "creeped out" sort of reaction, I shook the fabric to get the spider off. I got the spider off, but it was hurt badly on its landing. I wanted to cry as I watched it suffering and knowing that I had exclusively caused this pain. I ended his suffering and so caused harm and killing in a very brief period.

On a more upbeat note, I had a cool insight during my walk with the dog in the forest this morning. I had been struggling a bit with the thought that at some point, Ahimsa seemed to need to move from simply a "restraint" to an un-restrained action. Essentially changing it from a yama to a niyama. I knew that wasn't right, but it felt like the logical progression. I was even contemplating the composition a very detailed e-mail question for Swami Veda when the insight came. I did one practice of restraining my speech from harmful language. Now I restraining my speech and actions. If I make it to my third practice where I restrain my mind from any harmful thoughts, then my actions and my speech will be necessarily harmless. I will be practicing the perfection of ahimsa. Until then, I will never be satisfied.

To walk in the woods and contemplate what it would be like to have absolutely no harm occur in my mind ... ever. It made me feel bliss.

I had said to my friend Sandra the other day that if and when I make it to that third round, I may simply commit to remaining in the practice of Ahimsa - speech, action, mind - for the rest of my life.

Ahimsa - Day 11:4

2011-04-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

This was an interesting experience!

I had a sales person who was to come by the studio to show me a meditation seat of some type. She came and hauled in this massive chair and cushion, which, when set up and demonstrated, placed the sitter in an absolutely horrible posture for meditation. I spoke clearly, and truthfully about the seat which was not positive in nature. And as the arguments came back at me for why the seat really was good and I was incorrect, I became increasingly offended by the chair and the by the assertion that it was in anyway appropriate for meditation. My heart rate began to increase and I quickly ended the visit as the next class was about to begin. Our meeting did not end with a positive feeling.

So, during the restorative class I contemplated the experience from the perspective of ahimsa. I think I could have handled the situation more gracefully (I kept thinking how Swami Veda would have sent the strong message more clearly than I and yet the sales person would have left with a feeling of absolute love), but I also think that not speaking truthfully would have been the greater offence to ahimsa as it would have supported the purchase of expensive, poorly made, poorly designed furniture from China which misaligned the pelvis and femur and restricted the breath.

Supporting non-harm is not always easy.

Ahimsa - Day 8:4

2011-04-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

I was driving in the car yesterday, coming back from an errand to get some recycled wood for a little project, and was thinking a lot about ahimsa. I was thinking about two aspects of the practice. The first thought was, "This has been pretty easy these past couple days." The second thought which started a day long contemplation was "This isn't supposed to be easy. What am I doing wrong?"

In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali lists the siddhis or "powers" that come for one who has perfected the various yamas and niyamas. Relative to ahimsa, patanjali states that when one has perfected ahimsa, no harm can come to that person. As such, it is said that even Gandhi did not perfect ahimsa, as hard and excellently as he tried.

Ahimsa is also said to be the perfection of love. This I believe with all my heart and experience.

The "yamas" as a class of disciplines are meant to be restraints; I am to NOT do something (in this case, not cause harm). Yet it feels that I either need to go to a more subtle level of understanding relative to what "harm" is (eg. no more driving cars), or I need to move from NOT doing to DOING. My instinct is that I need to actively cultivate loving thoughts, actions, and words instead of simply not causing harm.

This contemplation will continue for a while ...

Ahimsa - 6:4

2011-04-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

A few words on messes. During this practice I am making my bed very neatly in the morning, folding my towel carefully, folding my clothes at night with loads of attention. Clean is a component of ahimsa. Not clean for the sake of clean, but clean as a consequence of the care that goes into creating the state of cleanliness. And the subtle effects of that care remain and are perceivable.

My spouse has a different standard for clean than I do and this has always been a source of tension for me in our relationship. But during this practice, it is especially palpable! As I sit down to this computer, the desk surrounding it is filled with piles of papers; it is a big mess! So, I get to observe.

If I close my eyes and try to generate a field of love for ALL things, it seems possible to affect the mess rather than be affected by the mess, but it is quite an effort. MUCH easier to affect and be affected by a neat, orderly environment.

Ahimsa - Day 3:4

2011-04-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

Today there was a bit of rain on the ground and a worm was in the middle of the parking lot as I came back to the studio after a morning coffee. I had the impression that it would be killed if it stayed where it was and I nearly just kept on walking, but I stopped, picked up the worm and moved it to the grass.

What felt good was responding to the awareness of my ability to prevent A SPECIFIC harm. There may be other harms that come to the worm, but I was aware of one and had the ability to act on that one. And I did so.

I love the way that this is taking over my entire waking life!

Ahimsa - 1:4 (that's day one, take four)

2011-04-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

This was an excellent awareness, new for me I think.

There are two ladies who sometimes come to morning meditation here at the studio named Vata-Pita and Pita-Vata. Each is so full of uncontrolled energy that they become exhausting to be around sometimes. I am secretly curious to know what goes on in their minds during a one hour meditation, but that's none of my business ...

Anyway, Pita-Vata was speaking after meditation that she was pleased with the day's meditation because she had very little pain today which lead to a joint confession of extreme pain constantly in their lives and how (they thought) yoga made it worse and why they think that meditation is more appropriate for them right now if it weren't for the pain and they keep trying this and that to change their (terribly poor) posture to make the pain more tolerable. This dialogue went on between them in my presence for quite a while. Pain, pain, pain, suffering, suffering, suffering, body and mind.

Everything they were describing can be effectively addressed through yoga - properly understood and undertaken yoga. I know this and am trained to teach this. I said nothing. My inaction supported this harm.

As I observed what was going on in me, I kept thinking "Um, ladies ... I'm standing right here and am a rather qualified teacher of these things you are discussing in my studio ... hello!?!" My thoughts took on a ego-fuelled sense of arrogance and indigence but there was an element of fear about speaking out because they are both such strong personalities and not generally interested in receiving information. This was the first time I observed the nature of the kleshas (fear and ego) resulting in inaction.

I hope they come again tomorrow and I can try and rectify my inaction.

Ahimsa - Day One - Take Three

2011-04-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Before I report on a dumb (but important) screw up, there have been so many positives in these past days.

First is the implications of cleanliness on the practice of non-harming. My teacher spoke of this, but this is one of the best practical experiences I have had. I'm working on a big project in my woodworking shop and the shop was a bit of a mess from some other recent projects that I'm trying to squeeze in before I need to sell all of my tools and convert the shop to the yoga studio. Anyway, before beginning this project, I did a major cleaning of the shop. Holy Crap! or is that Holy Absence of Crap!?! The depth of calmness in me during the first days of working in the shop were amazing! Equally amazing was how that feeling faded as the project evolved and created more mess. This is a powerful connection to Ahimsa that I'm going to keep exploring.

Then there was the little spider that I nearly swept up into oblivion with the sawdust yesterday. I saw her (or him) and stopped sweeping until he move away. Bless her little legs.

There have also been countless times when thoughts are forming that would have resulted in negative words or wordless harmful subtle energy and I had the presence of mind to transform it into positive words. And, again, the effect on me is absolutely amazing. I flow through situations like water instead of a rock.

Purchases of food and products without causing harm is a challenging discipline. We are blessed with the ability to grow much of our own food, but not all. So when I buy something to eat, I don't really know how much harm has been generated in the production of that food or product. Even when I went way out of my way to get a "green" cleaning product versus a more easily obtained harsh chemical, who knows that harms have entered the universe during the life of that "green" product? I know I am causing "less" harm by making that choice, and that is good, but I'm trying to hold myself to a higher standard: no harm!

On to my daily confession. Saturday morning. A relaxed start to the day, tea is made, breakfast burritos have been decided as the break to our nightly fast, talk if free and playful. I picked up my iPod to check whether the garden centre on Salt Spring Island would be open tomorrow, but the iPod battery was drained to nothing even though I had just charged it up a day or two ago. So in playful semi-mock irritation I complained about the stupid iPod not holding a charge. Playful and semi-mocking, but irritation none-the-less. As soon as finished speaking I said, playfully, "Shit, shit, shit! I just spoke negatively, damn it!!!".

As I said this is a dumb little screw-up, nobody died, but on another level, it is a perfect example of the nature of the kleshas. I love the image in the Yoga Sutras of the kleshas as "seeds" laying dormant until the proper stimulus is present, then bursting to life. Here I had enjoyed a number of days of freedom, and then in a moment of non-awareness, my attachment to wanting certain information stimulated that klesha and a flash of irritation flowed through my mind unrestrained and popped out.

I can't imagine round three of this practice where I seek to have no harm in speech, action, or mind. Even Gandhi complained about his inability to merge these three.

Ahimsa - Day One - Take Two

2011-04-04T11:33:00.001-07:00

The first three days of this practice have been amazing! I am living in a state of happiness that I have not felt before that I can recall. This is a very conscious state of happiness and I am making a choice to be in this state because I am making a disciplined choice to refrain from anything harmful. There have been seeds of irritable thoughts, but I have been able to observe them and direct them so that they do not result in a harmful act or speech. The best part is when I touch things with a mind filled with love - doesn't matter what the thing is - I really really love that feeling!

My first "mess up" was great too! I remain happy happy happy, and I made a purchase this morning. A simple little cable for connecting my iPod to the computer to do a recording project I have in mind. On my way back to the car, I noticed that the cable is made in China. I questioned whether this purchase would contribute to harm in the world; not knowing the answer, I was a bit in limbo about my purchase choice. Then I became aware of the packaging: a big hunk of non-recycleable plastic around a hunk of recycleable cardboard. This choice of mine will cause harm to the planet. As I was coming to this realization, I was drinking a second cup of coffee - a habit while waiting for the ferry - which is something I don't normally do since I've become more of a tea guy. The second cup of coffee was causing my heart to race uncomfortably. I may have let this slide relative to the ahimsa practice, but, honestly, it felt pretty harmful to myself.

So, happily I go on with my day!

Ahimsa - Day One - Take One

2011-04-01T07:34:00.001-07:00

And so begins my second sojourn into the depths of Ahimsa. First aspect of the first limb of yoga! With this second round of my practice, I am seeking to bring union between my speech (which was the sole focus of the first round) and my actions. As such, I believe I will be engaging with each topic at a more subtle level.

"Himsa" means harm, violence, killing, etc. A-Himsa is the absence of all of those things. I still resonate with the teaching that Panditji had given me on this topic. On that day, I became a devotee of yoga. I had been practicing the postures for a number of years, but it was not until that teaching that I began to understand what "yoga" really is. Panditji taught me that each and every one of my actions contains the potential for himsa or ahimsa. How I interact with the keyboard as I type these words can be gentle and loving or can be harsh forceful. I could also interact with the keyboard mindlessly and let myself believe that it makes no difference how I do this action. I certainly did that for the majority of my life. But, inspired by Panditji's teaching I have done enough experiments to know that if I do my actions (ANY and ALL actions) with a sense of kindness or love, then I am powerfully and profoundly affected. The keyboard may not care as to the manner in which it is struck, but a loving keystroke turns my mind into a living expression of joy and compassion.

For the next 21 consecutive days:
I will not speak anything negative.
I will not act with "himsa" toward animate or inanimate objects (because there really are no inanimate objects).
I will not purchase or consume goods or services that require "himsa" for their production.
I will not not act or speak when to do so will result in "himsa" or myself or others.

It is said that one can not experience a pleasure without causing a pain. I pretty much believe that and so am aware that consciously or unconsciously, I will cause harm during this practice. The question is, how little can I cause?

End of Practice ... Round One

2011-03-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

This has been an amazing journey of living with awareness. I have been reflecting on the process for these past few days and am fully committed to the yamas and niyamas as a set of principles for guiding my life. Part of me is saddened that the yoga world of today does not embrace and practice these; but those thoughts take me away from my own practice so I consciously try and set them aside.

Some of the big lessons I've learned in this first round of the practice is that each of the yamas and niyamas has both gross and subtle aspects, and the subtle aspects are nearly limitless. I say nearly limitless, because I have experienced that when I am resting "in my own true nature", then the yamas and niyamas become irrelevant. The practices of the yamas and niyamas are the systematic training tools for conscious and subconscious living; my true nature is superconscious. When I reach that state, the training wheels can be set aside. Unfortunately, I have extremely little experience with superconscious living, hence the need for rounds two and three of the practice.

Round one focused just on affecting my speech, but I am seeking for union (yoga) between speech, action, and mind. I love reading Gandhi's writings on how he struggles with this union all of his life; rather then depressing, that is inspiring to me! Round two of the practice will move into action. It will also include speech since speech is an action. Action will also include inaction, because that too is an act. I am also going to explore an increasingly subtle level to the practice. This will be tricky as the definitions of each yama and niyama will evolve for me though the practice. What the heck!

Round two will begin on April 1 (no fooling): 21 consecutive days without causing any harm - gross or subtle - in any of my actions!

Ishvara Pranidhana - Day Thirteen

2011-03-08T12:00:00.001-08:00

I discovered an interesting linguistic thing for myself. Now and then I would think to myself that I "offer" my practice to the divine. Then I switched back to "surrendering" the practice. Surrendering is WAY more effective than offering!!! It may only be a word, but the precision brings with it a completely different understanding of how I am totally and freely giving away any fruit that would potentially come through the specific practice and, in so doing, brings me (momentarily) closer to a state of non-attachment.

The other wonderfully unexpected awareness shift is relative to the term "Namaste". I am generally offering my surrender to the Divine at the end of my classes, where we also say "Namaste" to each other. If Namaste means that the Divine in me acknowledges the Divine in each of the people there, to offer such a greeting in the context of surrendering all of the fruits of my effort to this universal Divinity takes on an expansiveness that feels quite possibly infinite!

Ishvara Pranidhana - Day Eight

2011-03-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

In the commentaries on the Sutras there is a debate or a conflict around this niyama. Some say that all of the yamas and niyamas lead up to Ishvara Pranidhana and, as such, it is the most important of the ten disciplines. Others say that "One intent upon Me should practice the yamas intensely but the niyamas only sometimes."

This is said because the yamas are not delimited by space and time or place; they consist of an absence or "refraining from" which permits no expectations. This can not be said for the niyamas. The niyamas require involvement, engagement in action. According to some, for one on the high path toward renunciation, the niyamas may actually be an impediment.

Swami Veda lovingly concludes this debate with "These issues cannot be resolved with any finality. Each practicant must be guided according to the force of his samskaras and by an appropriately experienced teacher."

My experience thus far is that I can no longer imaging wishing to live my life without the yamas AND niyamas. And with my emerging understanding of the Divine, it feels like the act of constant surrender is pretty dang important - pretty much all of the other topics have a voice in that surrender!

Ishvara Pranidhana - Day Two

2011-02-25T06:18:00.000-08:00

I was raised in a dualistic theology. God was "other" than me, along with all of the guilt and fear-based expectations that this God would somehow punish and reward me and would change the course of nature if I prayed hard enough.

I now live a non-dualistic theologic life. This first came as a lovely side effect of my cancer journey 14 years ago. As I was doing my dry-run of preparing for death, I was absolutely certain that death was simply a process of me rejoining with my larger self. I didn't have words for it at the time, but there was a "knowledge" that I was One with Something much much much bigger than anything I had experienced before ... and that Something was NOT the God of my childhood understanding.

So now enter Isha or Ishvara. In the yoga system, Isvara is Universal Consciousness. Isvara is Brahman. Enlightenment occurs when I fully realize that I am Brahman; I am Universal Consciousness; I am Isha. There is no separation. So when I pray and offer all of my acts and their fruits, it creates a really cool mind-game for me. I am praying to Me. The True Me which is also You in all of our collective goodness and badness. And I am praying to all of the material world and the non-material world and to all of the beings whose bodies are only minds. And I am praying to all of this at once because I am not separate from it.

"Whatever I do, I surrender all to God ..."

Cool

Ishvara Pranidhana - Day One

2011-02-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

This is the last of the niyamas; it literally translates as "Surrender to God". What this means is that all of my actions should be offered (surrendered) to the Divine without any expectation of receiving some fruit from my acts. One engaged in the practice if Ishvara Pranidhana thinks, with each act:

"Knowingly or unknowingly,
whatever I do, whether good or bad,
all that is renounced unto Thee.
With acts, mind or speech,
whatever be my endeavor - perpetually
may it be for worshipping God,
even in lives after lives."

For the next 21 days, I will speak this out loud after I finish each of the classes that I teach each day.

I have been doing this informally for quite some time and am currently enjoying the exploration of just what I mean when I use the term "God". This will be quite fun to explore more deeply!

Swadhyaya - Day Three - Take Two

2011-01-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

The start of Krisha's answer to Arjuna's question is:

"When one entirely abandons all the desires that come into the mind, O Arjuna, satisfied within the Self by the Self, then that man [or woman] is called a person of stable wisdom.

One whose mind is not agitated in sorrows, who has no attraction toward pleasures, one from whom attraction, fear, and anger have disappeared, such a meditator is called a person of stable wisdom.

One who has no attachment directed toward anything, or upon attaining anything good or bad, who neither greets it nor hates it, his wisdom is established."

The opposite of each of these conditions that make up a person of stable wisdom occurs, for me, when I am engaged in thoughts other than those of the present moment. One way to help curb such thoughts is through the repetition of a mantra; japa. I just need to remember to occupy my mind thus! I know this works and works really well because I experienced it just this morning during meditation: mantra fills the mind with a dispassionate object of concentration and that is MORE real than fantasy thoughts and reliving old hurts.

Swadhyaya - Day One - Take Two

2011-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

There isn't really a "failure" when it comes to this niyama, but I allowed my mind to go to a poopy place during a moment of frustration and it stayed there too long, dwelling on non-reality and fuelling my poopiness. THAT is the time to fill my mind with mantra repetition or japa. I'm starting over.

Let me share, however, the first verse of the section of the Gita that I'm immersing myself in. It really starts with Arjuna asking Krishna a question and the remaining versus are Krisha's awesome, timeless, irrefutable answer. The question is:

"What is the description of a person of steady insight who remains in samadhi, O Krishna? How does a person of stable wisdom speak forth? How does he sit? How does he walk?"

At his ashram, Gandhi and his devotees recited these versus daily as they are the absolute clearest description of a perfect karma yogi!

Svadhyaya - Day One

2011-01-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

The first commentator on the Yoga Sutras, Vyasa, says:

"Self-study (svadhyaya) means studying the scriptures that lead to liberation, and japa of Om." In essence, there are two aspects to this fourth of the niyamas: the first is study of such texts as the Upanishads, or the Bhagavad Gita; the second is the repetition of mantra known as japa.

For the next twenty-one days, I will recite verses 54 through 72 in Chapter 2 of the Bhagavad Gita. This is a practice that Gandhi did every day at his ashram. I'll try and share some of the verses as well. It is a pretty amazing section of the Gita!

In addition, whenever I notice that my mind is daydreaming about something in the past or in the future, I will softly repeat the mantra that I received at my initiation known as my Guru Mantra.

Tapas - Day Twenty - Take One

2010-12-26T06:08:00.001-08:00

I'm at my old home visiting my parents and some friends over the holidays. It has been really relaxed and peaceful so no real causes for Tapas to build up. Very interestingly, so me anyway, is the constant presence of "opposites".

Christmas Eve I went to Mass with my parents at the church in which I was raised and went to school. Catholocism is not a part of my spiritual life anymore and I rarely am even in a position to go to St. Francis Church in Rochester anymore. Other times I have gone over the past few years, my mind gets filled with arrogant, judgemental thoughts about the Church and the Church-followers and whatnot. Those thoughts are "correct": the Church has done and does some stupid things (I could go on and on ...) and the followers do seem Lemminglike in their allegiance to the misguided organization, BUT the opposites are true too! I choose to look at the opposites for a while at Mass: the devotion, the love, the commitment, the passion, the great intentions. Devotion was the one that came through to me most strongly. All of these people, all dressed up, all giving of their time and money, and all sharing a common spiritual path. It was amazingly beautiful.

I was simultaneously aware of the opposites as well. Having been a Catholic monk in my past I keenly feel the atrocities of the organization known as the "Church". But both sides of the opposites are valid and are simply part of the whole. And independent of this, in the context of Christmas, is Christ Consciousness which is so totally unaffected by all of these petty opposites that it stands above unstained: Ever Wise, Ever Pure, Ever Free.

As I finish this practice on Tapas, I have come to a beautiful experience of "oppposties". I can see how they are the source or cause of all of the "rubs" tha build up the heat which turns into anger (etc) if unchecked or into Tapas is one is on a path of purification.

Tapas - Day Nine - Take One

2010-12-15T08:30:00.001-08:00

I have not felt the "heat" of frustration or anger build up for several days. It is a pretty cool state to be in, but it doesn't give me many chances to practice Tapas!

I should be grateful, because now that I have said that out loud, some big old Tapas is sure to arrive!

Tapas - Day Four - Take One

2010-12-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

I remember seeing these great pictures and hearing amazing stories of the ascetics from yoga and even Christianity. They were doing an imposed form of Tapas, well, at least the yogis were. It was the Buddha who came along and said that these extremes are not necessary; he introduced the "middle path". Not too hard, not too soft, just right.

To engage with a practice of tapas in modern life, I don't look any further than my daily existence. Life presents me with myriad opportunities to "build up heat" i.e. get pissed off. And for one engaged in the practice of tapas, when the opportunity is present, that is the time to become the observer and choose a correct response to the given situation.

I had a chance to experience the "opposites" thing yesterday when I was having my toast after meditation. There is a crew of construction workers who are building a house here on the island and they too come for breakfast most mornings to Roberts Place. They are crude, loud, ego driven one-uppers, hunters, harley riding cretins! I am sitting having my toast in a very spiritual manner having just come from my morning meditation. OPPOSITES! I may not have the exact pairing of words for the opposites, but the principle is palpable. The building of heat comes when the opposites rub against each other, harder and harder until the flame of frustration and/or anger bursts into the mind.

The teaching on how to deal with opposites is to recognize that the opposites come from the same source and, as such, are the same. Then, one embraces BOTH opposites and being the diverse expression of the one. If Consciousness (Param Atman, God, Whatever), gave rise to mind and prana and the gross body and all of the elements and on and on, and if my personality is a construct of my mind and the construction guys personalities are constructs of their individual minds, then all of our personalities are an expression of the Divine! We are all nuances of an infinitely Divine Consciousness.

I happily recognized this while eating my toast yesterday and was happy. The construction guys came in, sat next to me, started talking loud about whatever they were finding important at the time, I said "Thank you" to myself, and went on with being content in my personality.

Tapas - Day Two - Take One

2010-12-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

Well that was an interesting first day. I felt the "heat" of tapas rising in my mind three times, and each time I remembered to say "Thank You". I said it quietly as it is my practice and not meant to affect anyone else, but it had the effect of creating a slight smile on my face and a pleasant, playful feeling in my mind.

And as I write that down, I realize that I was playing with the world of "opposites". I was feeling the initial spark of irritation which could lead to frustration or anger - then came "Thank You" - and then I was feeling a playful joy. The teaching is that these are opposites, and that opposites are an illusion. In reality, both are just feelings running through my mind which may or may not have an effect on my. Whether they have an effect on me is up to me.

For the majority of my life (especially prior to coming to yoga), I was run by my emotions and I considered that to be normal and even healthy. Yoga teaches me that I am not my emotions, I am not my thoughts, I am the observer of these these phenomenon and, as the observer, I can choose how and whether to respond to these little fluctuations (vrittis) in my mindfield.

I have thought a great deal about opposites in the recent months. I hadn't realized that the practice of tapas was a journey into that realm; this is going to be good!

Tapas - Day One - Take One

2010-12-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

Nice ending to the contentment practice. It was a good reminder for me that the yamas are restraints and the ni-yamas are not restraints, but pushing forward. As such to restrain myself from speaking an state of non-contentment versus pushing forward to establishing a feeling of happiness was more yama than niyama.

For Tapas, I will go forward.

Tapas is literally "ascesis, ascetic endeavour, ascetic practice"; or, "Tapas is the forbearance of the pains arising from the pairs of opposites, without aversion." Other commentators have used even more obfuscatory language and simply said that tapas is "that which builds heat".

For the next 21 days, each time I feel "heat" rising in my mind from frustration or anger or non-contentment or whatever, I will say - out loud - "thank you" and endeavour to feel no aversion. I am looking forward to exploring the role of "opposites" in my life.

And while I am just focused on affecting my speech with this first pass through the yamas/niyamas, it is wonderfully ironic that my first day of Tapas is also starting on a week of fasting.

Santosha - Day Eighteen - Take Three

2010-12-03T06:25:00.001-08:00

I went to Swami Veda's commentary on the Sutras again to look at Santosha now that I've been immersed in it a while.

From my experience, contentment in the mind is much harder than contentment in action or in speech. That is part of what I've learned thus far.

Swami Veda says that contentment as two components, when I have received something I am (1) to say "enough" and (2) to feel happiness. When I engage in the restraint which forces one to say "enough" without the accompanying belief in my mind that it is truly enough and, therefore, the state of happiness is not present, then this is not contentment or santosha. This is, however, the discipline of aparigraha, non-possessiveness from the yamas. I had read that a few times, but had not really experienced what it meant until these past few weeks. Cool!

I long for the day when I am totally integrated in mind, action, and speech, but in the times when I am disciplining myself to get thre, I guess it is still all a good practice!

Santosha - Day Nine - Take Three

2010-11-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

The life if a Sattvika will not be an easy one, but will be a very effective one. Any progress I can make will bring a greater sense of ease to my various yama and niyama practices.

If one follows sankya philosophy (which happens to make tremendous sense to me!) then the gunas are all pervading in the world. All matter arises out of the gunas and is a reflection of the gunas. When I eat, the food choice I make is a reflection of some balance of gunas and when I ingest it, I take on those qualities. Similarly, when I read or interact with people or watch television or, or, or anything, the gunas predominant in whatever I experiencing influence the predominant guna operating in me at the time.

And, as they say, when one guna meets another guna, something's guna happen!

If I am trying to live my pre-enlightenment life in a sattvic state, that means that either I do not expose myself to anything rajasic or tamasic in my life ... ever. Or, that my strength of sattva becomes so strong, so engrained in me that it is not affected by the other gunas in whatever form they come into my awareness.

I had started making changes along these lines a few years ago with the entertainment choices (films, television, reading) and to a certain extent with the choices I make in friendships, but I have yet to change my diet to a truly sattvic diet. Ironically, food is perhaps the strongest influence of my internal gunic state. To make that change (comprehensively) is going to be a huge effort and will be difficult to do from within a marriage to a person who is not motivated to life with such a diet.

Santosha - Day Five - Take Three

2010-11-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

Holy Buckets! This is going to take time to explore and explain, but I think I was blessed with a major breakthrough this morning during meditation.

I had been contemplating the Kleshas (ignorance, ego, attachment, aversion, and fear) and wondering if and how they were influenced by the Gunas (rajas, sattva, tamas) in terms of this practice and my various states of non-contentment. The answer came in a flash, not quite in the way I was trying to force it to come, but with absolute clarity!

The answer was "Be a Sattvica"!

Santosha - Day Three - Take Three

2010-11-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

I did a little experiment which was quite helpful.

We live on quite meager means. When we run out of money in a month, sometimes Duane wants to have the yoga business pay for our personal needs. This generally bothers me quite a bit. It bothers me to the point of driving me crazy when Duane gets us into a situation where money is needed, like going out for dinner, and then saying that we don't have any when the bill arrives. There is a bit of a history of this, so I am conditioned to recognize it when it is happening and conditioned to react badly when it actually does happen.

Yesterday, Duane left for Vancouver to go see his son in the hospital. In the morning he said in his sheepish way that there isn't much money and he had hoped to have had more for the trip and ...

it just hung there, he didn't ask for any money, but my mind took over.

I could feel the resistance welling up in me, so I just focused on developing a balanced breath and observed the process playing out in my mind. The resistance is where suffering comes from, it is where non-contentment comes from. I was very conscious of the fact that my current reaction was just that a "reaction" which was being formed and shaped from all of the past impressions I have stored in my subconscious and conscious mind. The best I could do at that moment was to prevent my heartrate from speeding up and just sit neutrally with this awareness of my inner dramatics.

When Duane dropped me off at the studio on his way to the ferry, for some reason, I opened the till and handed him a $50 saying "You should have some extra money in your pocket." In that instance, any resistance just melted away and I was very much at peace.

It wasn't until later that I remembered Swami Veda's teachings on resistance. He says that when presented with an obstacle, we should learn to become like water. Water knows no obstacles, it simply flows around them without notice, remaining on its path. I smiled a big smile when I remembered the teaching and the experience of the morning.

Later in the day, I saw Leslie and momentarily remembered the door left open in our fall weather and ... I gave her a hug and asked how her children were doing. I was at peace!

So todays lesson is that contentment and peace are very close cousins and both have nothing to do with resistance.

Santosha - Day One - Take Three

2010-11-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

I was having a rather content sort of day after speaking with my teacher and doing some very enjoyable work for him before heading to the studio for the private session at 1:45. Lesley was finishing up her fitness class which she offers on Mondays when I'm not using the studio and I was standing outside visiting with Dennis when I noticed that she had the door propped open again. I didn't feel the irritation build, it was too subtle than that, but I said to Dennis "I wish they would keep the door closed, it costs a lot to heat the studio."

Oops. Not contentment in speech.

I need to further explore the nature of "irritation".

Santosha - Day One - Take Two

2010-11-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

I was listening to an old teaching from Swami Veda about the yamas and niyamas, where he said that one of the primary roles these play in our practice is emotional purification....

So last night we are settled in to watch the Tudors on television. It is one of the few things we make time for in our week to do together. Duane has a habit of reading a magazine while watching television. I have always found that curious and wonder about the effects of filling the mind with too many inputs at once. At one point in the show I commented on one of the characters who had shown up with a new limp and I said "I wonder how he was injured?". Duane just said "Huh?" because he was reading a magazine rather than watching the screen. I said "If you would watch, rather than read, you would know." My tone wasn't snotty or anything, but my mind was. Inside, I was clearly irritated with the fact that Duane wasn't paying attention to what I thought he should pay attention to and it came out in my speech: non contentment!

The couple episodes of frustration/irritation in the past few days have sent me on a wonderful journey to understand the nature of frustration and irritation and the like, all of which represent a state where I am not contentment.

I have learned enough through yoga philosophy to understand the workings of the function of the mind known as "chitta" or the subconscious mind. Chitta stores all of our impressions and memories of every single thing we have ever done, said, or thought. When we react to a current event, our reaction to the present is necessarily colored (totally) by our past impressions. This can happen at the conscious level or the subconscious level. I may not even be aware why I am reacting. The reaction, however, is further influenced by the kleshas which remain active in me.

So last night, Duane saying "Huh?" created a chain of events (in less than an instant) in which this external action stimulated the collected impressions in my mental storehouse and, once stimulated, the impressions were cheered on by my kleshas by my ego, by my attachment to wanting Duane to behave in particular ways, by my aversion to his chosen actions, and, most importantly, by my ignorance of the fact that this whole process was at work within me resulting in my mental and verbal reaction.

I believe it is possible to respond to a similar situation verbally without falling into a pit of non-contentment. I think it will have something to do with the gunas ...

Santosha - Day Thirteen - Take One

2010-11-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Great experience yesterday with contentment. Duane and I were working on our fence project, constructing the pergola for the front gate area. We were both excited to have gotten the wood and then woken up to a beautiful day so that we could get the project done.

I have more experience with tools and woodworking that Duane does, so naturally some aspects of these projects fall more to me than to him. That being said, there were a number of times when I would be working on something where I needed help, and Duane would have wandered off to the garden and started puttering. After a few such instances, my mind began to generate a sense of irritation. Further on in the project, I needed Duane to make a decision with me and I thought we were working on it together, but when I walked over to the sander to smooth out the cut I had just made, he was off again. I became so angry inside my head and I just stood there and watched him working on HIS stuff instead of helping me with OUR project. Watching him, I became angrier and angrier. My anger tarnished the rest of the project for me. We finished it, and it looks lovely, but I was filled with resentment and irritability and arrogance and ...

I didn't speak any of my discontent, but it boiled inside of me!

It wasn't until later in the evening that I giggled to myself. I was (once again) given a front row seat to observe the cause of suffering in life. I wished for things to be other than as they were. I wished for Duane to be someone other than who he was - in that moment - and the only effect was that I suffered in my mind. The Kleshas having a bit of a dance in my mental ballroom!

My speech remained true to the practice, but ... I have a lot of work to go before speech, action, and mind are all one!

Santosha - Day Seven - Take One

2010-11-02T14:47:00.001-07:00

I just came back from Harvest Thyme, my favourite establishment on Gabriola. I was chatting with the most delightful owner, Robin, about the current state of Tibet. I gently considered uttering something supportive to her comments about how wrong the Chinese government is in putting so many Tibetans in jail, but the thought occurred so peacefully in my mind that I could consider it and decide not utter the miscontent out loud. This was awesome ... in a quiet and peaceful sort of way.

Not only was this the first thought I recall having which was smacking of non-contentment, but it was such a calm (satvic) thought that I was able to peacefully experience it as a thought and consciously choose not to verbalize it.

THIS IS THE PRACTICE! To mentally exist in a sattvic and aware state such that I can and do choose whether to react to the subtle impressions generated from my mindfield (which are in turn, of course, reactions to some external stimulus).

An enlightened one is said to have no distinction between the mental process, actions, and speech (Gandhi dreamed of such a state), but also the mind of a Swami has been described as still having thoughts such as frustration or even anger, but the Swami is unaffected by such fleeting mental impressions.

Oh, this was a cool experience!

Santosha - Day One - Take One

2010-10-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Santosha is contentment. According to Vyasa, the first commentator on the Yoga Sutras, "Contentment is the absence of the desire to take any more means than are present." Other commentators have said "Contentment means being satisfied with whatever is received and not desiring any more than are the absolutely necessary means at one's disposal for maintaining one's life's journey. It is the absence of the desire to grasp."

I have been thinking about this one all day. An interesting start to the day as a couple of things just started to make me mad. And in the mental state of being pissed off, I started to think about the nature of wishing for things to be other than as they are and when this implies a lack of contentment. For example, some people I have been working with tried today to impose some new work on me which is inconsistent with the plan we had agreed to and (more importantly) very inappropriate. I will be saying "no" to them when I work through how to communicate this in light of my Santosha practice.

In this situation, I am clearly not satisfied with a situation and I wish for it to be other than as it is. Is this a lack of contentment or not? I'm still thinking about it ...

Saucha - Day Twenty-One - Take Five

2010-10-26T13:43:00.001-07:00

So, I went more than 21 days, but I have really enjoyed this mental focus on purity! I have begun to see how extensive a practice this is, touching every aspect of my life: all inputs, all outputs, all actions, all thoughts, all glances. Purity is a limitless goal, but not a cruel aspiration. Its reward feels like sattva. Sattva, sattva, sattva. Tranquility, peace, steadiness.

I am so grateful to Saucha!

Next, on to Santosha: Contentment. I shall seek to go 21 consecutive days without saying anything which implies that things should be other than they are!

Saucha - Day Ten - Take Five

2010-10-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

We studied the 14th chapter of the Gita last night, which I have been waiting for as it is the THE commentary on the Gunas.

With my newfound experience of the Klesha: Raga (attachment or attraction), we learned last night that raga is born of rajas. Brilliant! Of course! Why didn't I think it it!

So ... another plan of "attack" on the impurities in mySelf is to displace rajas with more sattva. This will be tricky as rajas is a strong component of so many external stimulants, many foods, caffine, television, hyper friends ... I will need to strengthen my resolve to become a Sattvika.

This is perhaps a slower plan of attack than simply leaping to complete Self Awareness, but it will have to do for now.

Saucha - Day Nine - Take Five

2010-10-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

My relative state of purity has become my waking thought these past days. What an excellent way to wake up.

Kleshas are still present though. I know this not because of dramatic failures in my practice, but because I know that I am holding back from complete abandon into purity. It seems that it is the pleasures of the world that hold me back. A couple nights ago we were having a lovely dinner with some great friends and we had wine with dinner. I have been seeking to eliminate all alcohol but I had wine and enjoyed the evening very much with friends. I felt the effects of alcohol the next morning - not a hangover - just not as pure!

It made me wonder why, when I have all of this education and training as to how the pleasures of the world are transient and temporary at best when the pleasures of Self Awareness are limitless and eternal, why am I still so tied to the pleasures of the world? My only insight was that it must be the Kleshas - attraction, specifically.

Today, however, is a pure day.

Saucha - Day One - Take Five

2010-09-27T10:45:00.001-07:00

This was a most helpful screwup!

I am in the final stages of a long effort to create some spiritual art for an upcoming island-wide art show over the Thanksgiving weekend. The process of creating the pieces, especially the driftwood prayer wheels, has been powerful and wonderful. Lots of mantra repetition while working, lots of incense offerings, lots of extra meditation prior to working. Cool stuff.

Yesterday I was assembling the prayer wheels, after hours and hours and hours of meticulous woodburning of long mantras. I was laying on my back on the floor, blindly fastening epoxied screws through an eight inch base of driftwood with an extension bit into a tiny hole in the bottom of the wheel's cylinder (if you can't visualize it, just think "hard"). The first wheel went together flawlessly and I prayed a prayer of thanks. The next one didn't. One of the screws broke with the potential of permanently ruining the entire project. I let out "Shit!" and nearly started crying. The passion in me for the project was really high!

Then I layed back down and started repeating my mantra. I drove to the hardware store to get what I needed to try and fix the problem. I hadn't totally calmed down, but I had time to observe my state of passion. At the time, it felt like the impure speech was somehow "correct" because I was working so hard on a piece of art dedicated to God and it was really important (to me) that it not be ruined.

I got back home and (rather easily) fixed the problem and finished the project. Five rustic, interesting driftwood based prayer wheels with beautiful mantras from my japa practices.

The cool reflection on the little drama was that, even if it felt like my passion was "justified" somehow, it was in no way helpful to me in the situation. It was a beautiful experience of the uselessness of uncontrolled passion and the uselessness of impurity.

I am rather pleased to be back at day one with saucha. More time to dive deeper.

Saucha - Day Fifteen - Take Four

2010-09-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

I tried an experiment last night where I said to myself as I was falling asleep; "I am pure. I am pure. ..." The experiment was to see if I had that thought as I woke up (my teacher says I should) and I did! It was awesome! Purity is beginning to take over my mind!

While having my toast and coffee at Roberts Cafe this morning, I read "You are only a custodian of your body, breath, and mind. You are a pure soul - that is your real nature."

I smiled.

Saucha - Day Eleven - Take Four

2010-09-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today has been really cool relative to this practice. Yesterday was an emotionally stressful day for a series of dumb reasons and so it was a struggle to remain pure in speech. But today, I have been unusually mindful of my practice and have had the unique foresight to choose words that are more pure then my normal word choice would be. It makes me happier!

I think what motivated the change today was a reading from Swami Rama while I was waiting for my toast to arrive at Robert's Cafe after morning meditation: "Express yourself with all the gentleness that you can, for gentleness and love are one and the same. If you learn this lesson, you can transform many lives. How beautiful is that life that knows not the ugliness of abrupt and rough behaviour."

Soucha - Day Eight - Take Four

2010-09-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

As I observe and become aware of my speech relative to its purity, my desire for purity increases. Purity and cleanliness seem to have limitless gradations, so while I am not uttering impurities, I reflect on my words and patterns of words and wish for more and more and more purity.

Reminds me a bit of Swami Ritavan and how I was impressed by how little he would speak. That feels like the ultimate purification of speech!

Soucha - Day Three - Take Four

2010-09-09T18:52:00.001-07:00

This is perhaps the most mind-engrossing of the practices thus far. I'm really loving it!

And one impression I'm having as I contemplate "purity" all day long, is how lack of purity is contrary to the practice of ahimsa. If I am impure, I am also harmful. Seems to give some real support to the statements that all of the yamas and niyamas are there to support ahimsa.

I also read a cool quote from Swami Rama today that I wanted to write down. He is speaking about the process of Self-Transformation when he says: "Among all the methods for training and therapies, the highest of all is self-training in which one remains conscious of one's thoughts, speech, and actions."

Soucha - Day One - Take Four

2010-09-07T06:20:00.000-07:00

Fatigue is a friend of the kleshas!

All was going well, I was having a day working on my woodworking studio, when I came house and realized that I hadn't made up the chapatti dough (which needs to rest for an hour) and our friends Dale and Leanne were set to arrive for dinner in 15 minutes. When I realized my forgetfulness, I said "crap".

What was rather amusing to me was that I said "crap" out loud, but in my mind I said "crap ... not pure!". Before I uttered the "p" in crap, I knew that an impurity was present!

I had the presence of mind to realize that my tired state had dulled my mental awareness and in such a mental state, the resistance to the little triggers of the kleshas is weak.

Note to Self!

Soucha - Day One - Take Three

2010-09-04T06:15:00.001-07:00

We were driving to the shore for our picnic last night when Duane commented on a new gate that one of our neighbors had put in. I looks to be a temporary gate as it was clearly made quickly with minimal materials. Duane said "Now here is an example of an ugly gate." and I said "I believe you mean Fugly" (F standing for the standard derogatory prefix of modern speech). We laughed and two seconds later I moved my mala back to the left wrist.

I rather consciously let my guard down after that and, as we relaxed and joked on the beach, I discovered that humour is often impure in nature. Duane and I talked a bit about it and were really quite amazed as we realized the extent of it. We even recalled the old Jackie Gleason classic "The Honemooners" which was always billed as a comedy, but was totally comprised of putdowns and threats of violence! As we looked at how easy it is for us to use sarcasm and how clearly not-pure that line of commentary is, we started to think that it must come from the ego.

Interesting picnic! The food was great too and the sunset was really colourful.

Saucha - Day Five - Take Two

2010-09-03T11:09:00.001-07:00

This is a very interesting niyama!

I have been coming more and more to the belief throughout this practice that there is gross and a subtle level to how one engages with the yamas and niyamas.

So which saucha - purity, cleanliness - I haven't said anything "impure" for the past few days and that is good, but I am also aware of how my speech could always be more pure. It is as though the gross practice is making me more and more aware of the subtle aspects of the practice! AND that awareness is a motivation to pursue the subtle. I am convinced that if the subtle aspects of each yama and niyama is achieved, then the gross aspects are a non-issue!

Saucha - Day Four - Take Two

2010-09-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of my long work days of the week (14+ hours), and I am generally tired at the end of those. When I got home and was having a bit of an unwind before bed, I nearly whined a bit about the day, but I caught myself. Negative comments are not pure, which I learned all those months ago during the Ahimsa practice. That felt like a good catch. I was tired and perhaps vulnerable, but my awareness remained sufficient to come to my aid.

My teacher, Panditji, say that sleep is like a tunnel: the way that you enter the tunnel is the way that you will exit the tunnel. At the ashram, we were encouraged to fall asleep with a sanskrit phrase which never really resonated with me since I don't speak sanskrit. I sort of modified the phrase to english/sanskrit last night to make it more understandable and went to sleep thinking to myself "I am Atman. I am Atman." Atman referring the TRUE Self. I woke up with the thought "I am Atman." as well as the awareness of the teaching concerning Atman. Atman is EVER WISE, EVER PURE, EVER FREE!

As (as with all of the efforts to attain Self Awareness) if I am able to scrub off all of the impurities and stains that are covering up my absolute true nature, stains which I have applied over my life or lives, I will discover that I could not be more pure than I already am!

Soucha - Day Three - Take Two

2010-09-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Soucha (pronounced and perhaps better spelled "shaucha") is the first of the Niyamas. The five Niyamas make up the second limb of Patanjali's system of yoga. Here is how Swami Veda describes their purpose:

"Having explained the yamas as the first of the yogangas, we now come to the second: the niyamas. The are called so because turning away from the duties arising from desire (dama-dharma) that lead to (re)-births, they regulate, impel (ni-yam) one into desireless duty that serves as a cause of liberation; and they are determined by intelligence as being the right acts to be endeavoured. Of these, on the first one depends the second one, and so on in sequence to the fifth."

Soucha has external and internal implications. First the external gross physical body is cleaned and purified. One one level this is accomplished by simply taking a shower, but at a more appropriate level, the showering process is viewed as a sacred act of purification. The difference is only in the mind. One approach is mundane and one is sacred. The internal gross body is purified through dietary regulation, ingesting pure foods, and by fasting. Again the purity of the food can be viewed at both a gross (practical) level such as eating organic food, but the purity of food can also be viewed in terms of how the food is treated and prepared. Stories abound of Swamis who refuse to ingest excellent tasting food because they are aware that the food was prepared by someone who was angry. Ultimately, soucha is a mental process where one purifies the stains of the mind.

My simple act of observing the "purity" of my speech is bringing me to the level of the mind-field. This feels like a good focus for now.

Soucha - Day One - Take Two

2010-08-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, this one is going to teach me a lot!

Last night, I was at a backyard dinner party with some new friends. I had a great conversation with a woman who had come over from Nanaimo for the party. She had recently discovered Kundalini yoga and was very excited to talk about all sorts of stuff, so we talked about all sorts of stuff. One one point, she asked me how early I got up to begin my sadhana (practice) and I said I got up at 5:00 AM. I actually get up at 5:30, but in that moment, my ego wanted to sound a little more impressive. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and realized that my speech in that moment was not pure! Lack of truth is impure. I didn't have my wrist mala on since I was sleeping, by in my mind, I switched it to my right wrist.

In meditation this morning, I was rather profoundly struck by how soucha is the source of the big challenges that are present in my practice right now. I have been experiencing a lot of fear in the past week or so, since I had spent the weekend with Swami Nitya in Vancouver. I had a nice chance to discuss with her my hopes to follow the same path as she and one day take the vows of a Swami. She was great; very supporting, very encouraging. But after getting a few days of seeing how a Swami lives, I was struck at how clearly I am not pure enough to live that life at this moment. The fear came as I came to see all of my little impure behaviors (eg. I am not vegetarian) as two of the kleshas - attachment and aversion - and the thought of breaking free from the grip of these kleshas is overwhelming.

I had a similar experience in June which Panditji when I spent a week living at his level of purity and then experienced crashing back to my mundane world with a spiritually shocking thud.

It is as though these experiences with Panditji and Swamiji and now this practice of saucha has brought me to a significant spiritual crossroads. I remember an old boss, Rose Kopras, from my working days at 3M who used to say that "We can not unlearn something we have come to know as true." I have learned about purity through these recent experiences and now that I know, the question is: Do I have the courage and capacity to step up to the plate and do the work to burn these kleshas out of me? to purify my self? or do I ignore it all and step down from this practice and go on with my impure life?

At the moment these questions are a bit scary. I feel a little like Arjuna.

Saucha - Day One - Take One

2010-08-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a bit about my inability to complete the last practice of refraining from using the words my, mine, or me. My inability seems clearly linked to the kleshas, to raga in particular. Each of the kleshas is a variant on the first principle of avidya or ignorance, but raga is the variant that speaks to attachment or attraction. I am very attached to the concept that I somehow possess things and qualities.

Perhaps it was foolish to think that I could quickly change this mental pattern that is so commonplace in our modern society. "My spouse", "My body", "My dog", etc. In the language we use to indicate relationship, these terms are so commonplace that they are deeply rooted in my mental habits. I can logically see that, when I am living completely through my true nature, none of these things are "mine", but the logic and my firm belief in that logic is not sufficient to uproot the linguistic habit.

I think I will need to be at a deeper place in my meditation practice, and perhaps living less of a "householders" existence in the modern world, to really succeed in this separation of Self from Me.

Good lessons though!

Soucha - Day One - Take One

2010-08-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while, but I think I have been beaten by the aparigraha practice I'd set for myself ... for now. The concept of "my" and "mine" and "me" are too ingrained in my mind patterns at this point. So, time to learn and move on. I'll try and explore those lessons a bit more as I switch to the first of the Niyamas - Soucha - or purity.

To begin, I'm going to seek to go 21 days without speaking anything that is impure. It will be up to me to discover what seems to be pure and what is not pure and why. As I envision the practice, it certainly seems that swearing is out as well as any untruthfulness. This will be fun to explore as my teacher led me through a few practices on this topic not long ago.

At any rate, it feels good to be Back in the Sadhana Saddle Again!

Hari Om!

Aparigraha - Day One - Take 14

2010-07-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have used the word "my" 5 times thus far today. But I have been aware of each utterance and have consciously refrained from speaking it a few times. But enough about ME!

Yoga Sutra II:54 defines pratyahara as "When the senses cease conjunction with the objects in their realm, they thereby become, as it were, assimilated with mind-field's nature and that is called pratyahara, withdrawl."

We did a workshop on pratyahara this weekend where we explored the Indriyas; Karma and Jnaja. The Karma (or action) Indrias (spelled karmendriya) are: Eliminating, Reproducing, Moving, Grasping, Speaking. The Jnana (or knowledge) Indriyas (jnanendriya) are: Smelling, Tasting, Seeing, Touching, Hearing.

Hmm ... I'm not sure if I selected the correct restraint for this practice. Swami Veda in his commentary on Sutra II:54 refers to the practice of non-attachment or Vairagya and refers back to Sutra I:15 which describes the four stages of vairagya. I have never studied I:15 before. This will take a bit of research and digestion and experience.

I'll continue with my practice of restraining from saying "my", but the study continues!!!

Aparigraha - Day One - Take Thirteen

2010-07-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

Every day I grow more aware of how possessive I am. I have not yet made it through a full day without saying "my" or some derivative. But I have grown much much more cognizant of my use of the term. I have also been thinking over the past practices and the lessons learned to see if I can find a better way through this one.

When I use the term "my", it does not feel like one of the kleshas is raising up, unless it is in some subtle for that I have not encountered. I suppose one could argue that it is "fear of death" or my ego that seeks to create such possessiveness.

I think I am going to try cultivating an opposing principle in contemplation and see if that has an influence. In my contemplation, I will think to myself: Nothing is mine.

Aparigraha - Day One - Take Six Trillion

2010-07-06T10:04:00.001-07:00

So, I'm going to just sit at Day One for a while. I finding amazing insights and subtle progress as I observe the habit I have of using the word "my". When I actually make it again to Day Two, I'll start the count again.

Last night, I was saying goodnight to our lovely dog, Kuma. When I interact with him at that time of day, I use a gentle, loving tone in my voice. Soft words, repeated. Calming for me, calming for Kuma. I have often repeated the phrase "My puppy" during such times and did so last night. I caught it right away and smiled, thinking "He is not "mine". Who is he then? He is Jiva!

Jiva is the individual soul. Jiva is the individual expression of the Universal Divine. Jiva is one with the Divine - not separate - it just appears to be. I am Jiva, you are Jiva, all living beings are Jiva. This is why we do not kill living beings in the yoga tradition; all living beings are Divine.

So instead of calling Kuma "my puppy", I called him "Jiva". He looked at me with one of those beautiful looks that he has and I started to cry. I think I realized something pretty big in that moment. I only hope I start to remember it more often!

Aparigraha - Day One - Take Four

2010-07-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

OK, so I don't know how many times I said "my" yesterday! It seemed that every time I spoke, the word came out! I stopped moving my wrist mala back and forth after while.

Geeze this one is going to be challenging!

Aparigraha - Day One - Take Three

2010-07-01T10:51:00.001-07:00

So ... two minutes after writing the last post, I'm getting dressed to go out into the woodworking shop and Kuma is getting excited because he thinks this means we are going for a walk, but I slip into my playful "speaking to the dog" voice and say "No, no, no Kuma. Not time for a walk; I have to put MY shirt on." I suppose I could have uttered one of those explicatives, but it didn't seem that it would help.

This one is a good one to analyze however. How is it that this shirt is somehow associated with me? How is it that I identify with this shirt and give it the status of being a part of my being? I am not this shirt!!!

Aparigraha - Day One - Take Two

2010-07-01T10:28:00.001-07:00

I knew this one would provide a good challenge! Last night we were chatting before the philosophy class and I was asked about my week off. I proceeded to regale with stories about MY teacher. It took me a couple minutes before I realized that I had used the term, so I then decided to share with the group my current practice and ask for their help in keeping me conscious of my use of the terms.

Our yoga philosophy class is designed as a very personal growth oriented class. The Bhagavad Gita really calls for one to explore the self and its patterns as one pursues the real Self. Anyway, while we were discussing chapter 9, I found that I could not speak about personal stuff without saying "my" "me" and "mine".

It got to be quite humorous after a while and the others were helping me to find linguistic ways around the challenge. Instead of saying "my" teacher, we thought about saying "this body's teacher" or "this mind's teacher". Gabriola Island, where I live, is filled with a lot of hippies, free thinkers, and wierdos, but we concluded that by the end of this practice, I will be considered the wierdest of them all!

Wish this being luck!

Aparigraha - Day Two - Take One

2010-06-30T11:16:00.001-07:00

Wow! I made it through the first day of this practice! 24 hours without saying the words "my" or "mine". I was guessing that I wouldn't even make it this far at first.

Perhaps my mind is getting more accustomed to the discipline of this practice. I do find that I am contemplating the meaning of each practice more throughout the day. This current focus on non-possessiveness makes for a wonderful contemplation. The only thing that is truly "mine" are that aspect or those aspects of "me" that are permanent. And, the only thing about "me" that is permanent is Atman - "my" true Self - ever wise, ever pure, ever free - never born, never dying. That is ME! Everything else that I associate with "me" is an illusion based on ignorance of my true nature.

And that is nature of my contemplation, that is the nature of this practice, that (at least in part) is the nature of Aparigraha.

Brahmacharya - Day Twenty-One - Take Two

2010-06-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

Actually I finished this practice last Thursday, I was away at my teacher's place and didn't have opportunity to update the Blog. The final week of the practice was while I was living with my teacher. As such, there wasn't much challenge to my restraint at speaking explicatives.

I did learn a couple nice lessons which this, but I think that the greater brahmacharya lessons will be learned when I switch the practice from restraining my speech to restraining my actions and then to restraining my mind. Can't quite imagine how to train my mind to refrain from sexual thoughts at this point, so it is good that will be a ways down the road.

For now, I'm turning my thoughts to the next topic which I will begin tomorrow. The yama is Aparigraha, which can be translated as non-possessiveness. It means much more than just that single word (as all of these topics do), and we will explore the diversity of meanings over the course of this practice. But for the next while, I am going to restrain myself from speaking the words "My" or "Mine".

I am expecting tons and tons of screwups with this one! But since the practice doesn't start until tomorrow, tonight is all about me!

Brahmacharya - Day Fifteen - Take Two

2010-06-19T16:39:00.001-07:00

Two days ago, my landlord for the studio space which I oversee contacted me to say that my rent was increasing by $400 per month. On my tight margins and with the small population of our little island, this sort of increase is HUGE! I was very surprised by the news due to a number of miscommunications too tedious to mention. In reaction to the surprise, my mind went very negative. I was angry. I was lied to. I was upset and fearful of the loss of my business. The energy of explicatives was strong in my mind and could really easily have flown out of my mouth. Then my little mala on my wrist flopped around and I was yanked back to my practice.

I am pleased to say that I didn't damage my commitment to this current practice. But I am even more pleased to have had the opportunity to watch my mind go through the emotional turmoil and, THROUGH A CONSCIOUS CHOICE, calm down! I CHOSE to return my breath to an even, calm, fluid flow. I CHOSE to allow the anger and related emotions pass while I felt my heart rate drop down and remain down. I began to think, "What would Swami Veda do?". I recalled a lecture of his when he said he had engaged in a multi-year experiment to train his mind whereby whenever he felt negative thoughts toward another, he made the point of going out of his way to do something nice for them. This wasn't for their benefit especially and their reaction to the act was irrelevant, it was to change his mind. He said there is nothing more important than this.

So, I called my landlord's office to say to the accountant that I'd send in the new rent checks right away and thanks for doing her job so kindly and thoroughly. And, I am sending a office plant to my landlord with a note thanking him for letting me use such a beautiful space to share the gifts of yoga.

I changed my mind. I am at peace.

Brahmacharya - Day Thirteen - Take Two

2010-06-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm pleased that this is going so easily as it implies that I am not particularly subject to the emotional mental flashes that result in uncontrolled verbal explosions. So, that is good.

But I have also been reading a bit more in the Yoga Sutras about brahmacharya. Funny, when I view modern information, written by modern yoga folks, in english, the various english words used to "translate" brahmacharya have the effect of watering down this particular yama to the point that it is not much of a discipline at all. This trend must have started years and years ago to make such disciplines more palatable. Even in the Hatha Yoga Pradikipa, written somewhere around the 15th century CE, the yamas and niyamas are mentioned, but clearly de-emphasized because "in this day and age it may be difficult to try and force yourself to keep these rules ...". Just google brahmacharya or the yamas and try and see if you can make sense of the plethora of safe simple definitions. I think it has been the influence of such sources in the past is what really led me to try and simply refrain from explicatives for 21 days.

But the first commentators on the sutras did not water down the practice at all. Brahmacharya is celibacy. Period. One is expected to guard one's celibacy in eight ways:
Remembering
Conversing Of
Play
Looking with Desire
Conversing With, In Secret
Intent, Mental Indulgence
Endeavor
Consummation

Other texts prescribe methods whereby one can be said to be practicing celibacy without total abstinence, but "the standard for an accomplished yogi cannot be any lower than the one defined here."

As a householder, who has not to this point taken any vows of celibacy, I can certainly see how one would want to manipulate the definition of brahmaharya to make it more relevant for myself, but I think it is important to keep the purity of the definition and the intent and simply recognized that I am not as of yet "an accomplished yogi". I may reach that status in this life, or perhaps not, but the goal should not be watered down to match my capacities.

I'll keep going with my 21 days, but I recognize that I am just dancing around the real discipline for now.

Brahmacharya - Day Five - Take Two

2010-06-09T12:50:00.001-07:00

All is well on the verbal front, but this appears to be the time for the Guru to teach me about samskaras.

These latent impressions from everything we have done, and everything we have thought, and (if you are open to the idea of reincarnation) from all of our existences, are stored in the function of the mind known as chitta. In english, chitta can be thought of as the subconscious mind. This is also where dreams come from. For me, this is the crazy part of the mind. I rather enjoy being in meditation and, with full awareness, begin to slip from conscious to subconscious mind then have some absolute wacky thought flash through the mind in dream-like fashion. Eg. I'm sitting still, breathing properly, very relaxed, repeating my mantra, repeating my mantra, repeating my mantra, repeating my mantra, curious/militant turkeys are driving cars, repeating my mantra ...

Anyway, I'm currently also going through a bit of a purification practice which will likely have the effect of eliminating some toxins from my gross body. These past few nights I have been having good old fashioned nightmares complete with mystical bad guys and murder and mayhem. I'm not frightened when I wake up from them, but I am amazed that this crap exists in my chitta. I'm not sure, but it feels like the gross body purification is having an effect on my subtle body as well; I hope so. It would be great to purge the bad guys from their hiding place.

The strange effect on my conscious mind throughout the day is a sattvic quality. Go figure. Through this experience of the power of the subconscious, my conscious mind is in sort of a state of respect. I am very calm, very respectful, and rather serious.

This samskariffic playfulness probably has nothing to do with brahmacharya, but I certainly don't feel any desire to let loose any uncontrolled explicatives.

Brahmacharya - Day One - Take Two

2010-06-05T08:19:00.001-07:00

When I was little, the Stephans and my parents were good friends. I remember going over to their house on the way to school sometimes for breakfast and playing with Scott and Mike as kids. In college, Kim Stephan was engaged to my roomate Jim Ohly and it was pretty much the three of us who lived together. Mrs. Stephan had this habit of saying "Oh Jesus" whenever anything was slightly off or slightly funny or sometimes for no reason at all. She said it with a cute lilt in her voice and it seemed to me to be her trademark phrase. Mrs Stephan had an on and off role in my life for many years.

In yoga philosophy, there are said to be four functions of the mind: Manas, Buddhi, Ahamkara, and Chitta. Chitta is the repository of every single experience we have ever had. Every action, every thought, every emotion is stored permanently in chitta and these retained little pieces of information become samskaras or little stains in the mind. For most of us, chitta is constantly fluctuating and this is the source of our thoughts in the present moment. SIDE NOTE: Recall the second yoga sutra "Yogas chitta vritti nirodha", meaning "Yoga is the the cessation (nirodha) of the fluctuations (vritti) of the mind (chitta)". Until we have reached that highest state of yoga described by this sutra, chitta will always be throwing samskaric trash in our mental path.

Last night, we were watching a few minutes of a Harrison Ford movie and the bad guys pushed him out of the back of the plane and in a breathtaking flash he was dangling in the air by a strap about to be flung into the abyss. As fast as Harrison was propelled into the air the phrase "Oh Jesus" flew out of my mouth.

I thought, "What the heck was that? Where did that come from? I don't say that! Dang it, I have to start again!" It wasn't until this morning that I remembered Mrs. Stephan. That memory has sat in my chitta for 25 years and, because I have such limited control over the fluctuations of my mind, it had free and easy access to my vocal chords.

Brahmacharya certainly means much more than this exercise will bring me, but I think it is still going to be a good practice.

Asteya - Finished! (For Now)/Bhramacharya - Day One

2010-06-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

What an amazing practice! The earlier efforts of ahimsa and sayta took me to an experience of the kleshas and asteya took me to an experience of the gunas. Total surprise in each instance! All thanks to the Guru for these teachings!

Now I move on to Bhramacharya, the fourth of the yamas. I'll explore the meaning and subtleties of this another time.

Recalling that all of the "yamas" are an act of restraint or holding back from something, and that in this round of my practice I am disciplining myself to hold back something just in my speech, here I am seeking to go 21 days without using any explicatives like "Crap!" or "Wow!" or "Sh_ t" etc. Each of these is an uncontrolled eruption of sound emanating from a reactionary and uncontrolled mind. Bhramacharya is often simply translated as "celibacy"; I'm considering the use of explicatives as a sort of verbal orgasm in my life and I'm looking to be celibate for these next 21 days.

Wish me luck!

Asteya - Day Twenty - Take Eight

2010-05-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

Day twenty and I think I should go back into my little meditation room and not speak for the next twenty-four hours!

Funny little twist to this exercise these past couple days as my birthday approaches. The culture in which I was raised always asks the question "What do you want for your birthday?" I have heard that all of my life. Desires are encouraged - nay, required - on the annual remembrance of our incarnations.

I have been thinking to myself "I do not want anything. I have everything that I need". It still doesn't feel quite true, but I'm saying it over an over anyway.